


18

by ForeverUnited93



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 18 inspired, M/M, Narry - Freeform, childfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-03-15 01:23:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 30,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3432857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForeverUnited93/pseuds/ForeverUnited93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>~|I have loved you since we were 18|~</p><p>Long before we both thought the same thing</p><p>To be loved and to be in love</p><p>All I could is say that these arms were made for holding you</p><p>I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18</p><p>*On Wattpad as well*</p><p>©ForeverUnited93</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. P R O L O G U E

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by 18 :)

We met a park when we were 8.

I was playing on the slides while you sat on a bench.

I couldn't help but notice how small you were.

So bony and pale.

My mother said that it wasn't nice to say that so I stayed silent.

I really wanted to talk to you but I was afraid those words would come out of my mouth.

I didn't like to make others sad, especially not you even though I didn't know you at the time.

I gathered up the little courage that I had and marched right up to you.

You looked stunned as I took a seat next to you, eventually asking why I was here.

"You looked alone so I'm going to talk to you and we'll be best friends forever." I chattered happily.

You only laughed and that made me smile wide.

I liked you.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Niall Horan. What's yours?"

You had a accent that was almost too thick to understand but I still liked it.

"Harry Styles."

Something was interesting about you and I knew that we would be friends for a long time.


	2. O N E // The Only Exception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the chapter: The Only Exception by Paramore
> 
> Unless otherwise stated, its in Harry's POV

"You remind me of Shaggy from Scooby Doo."

"How?!"

"You're a complete idiot and you have shaggy hair." I pout while Niall laughs. He reaches over and pokes one of my dimples, causing me to smile and swat away his hand lovingly.

“Shut up.”

“You say that because you know I’m right.”

“Shut up Niall, stop being so full of yourself” He only chuckles, his smile was blinding. Over the years I have come to love his smile. Especially from that one fateful day at the park.

If you were to tell me that Niall would become one of my best friends, I don’t believe that would surprise me. We were practically inseparable since we were 8. We did absolutely everything together, from going through school and pranking our teachers to trying out for the football team. I always felt my best when I was with Niall.

We just worked so perfectly in sync that it felt that nothing could stop us. But as we grew older, feelings began to change and I saw Niall in a different light than before.

“Remember that one time that I stole Gemma’s shorts to get your attention?” Niall brought me out of my thoughts, pulling me into a memory when we were younger. I was only about ten, having to do my chores and hating every single second of them. I was assigned to hang out the clothes to dry.

Around that time, Niall was still a twiggy little boy but as I quickly found out, he was older than me and was always getting into trouble. I took a break from hanging the clothes, Gemma bribed me to do hers since she was too busy being a fussy teenager to care about the chores.

The seconds that it took for Harry to turn his back, Niall, who moved across the street and Harry just never noticed before they became friends, ran into the yard and stole Gemma’s shorts. Harry turned around to only catch a glimpse of the blond running back to his own yard.

“Hey!” He had shouted after Niall, who only smirked and ran into his house, the shorts in tow.

Harry ran after him, after he had asked his mum to go over to the Horan household and explain the whole ordeal. His mum laughed, ruffling his hair and saying yes.

I had run across the street, looking both ways of course before I crossed and knocked on the door. Niall answered, smiling like the idiot that he was.

“Give me the shorts back Niall.” I said sternly. The smile wiped off his face as he brought the shorts from behind his back.

“M’ sorry.”

“It’s okay Niall.” I gave him a hug since he had looked so rejected, and he hugged back immediately. I loved his hugs, then and now. I always felt safe in his arms, even though he was shorter than I was.

“Yeah that was part of the good days,” I smiled down at Niall now, we were laying down on my bed in our tiny apartment. We had moved there a few months prior, a present from both of our parents for our 18th birthday. Niall’s birthday had already passed and mine was coming up soon.

“Do you remember when Louis had tripped you in front of the class and we found our secret hideout?” Niall asked, playing with my curls.

I can’t really help but frown at that memory, even though Louis and I were good friend now. The small fairy like boy had moved into the town the summer before the shorts incident. School was starting up when everyone had met him. I could see the older kids making fun of him and his small structure.

Niall wasn’t there on the first day of school, he was sick so I was all alone. I personally decided to befriend this Louis but it all went downhill when he ended up letting his frustrations out on me. Niall and I were a year younger than him, so he had a little more authority over us.

The day that Niall came back from being sick, I was having the worse of the torment from Louis. The boy was so keen on making me look like fool, often knocking into me in the halls and making me lose important papers for class.

During lunch period, I was publicly humiliated by Louis. He ran into me, only now did I find out that that this was completely unintentional when Louis was retelling the story, he honestly wasn’t watching where he was going and I got steaming hot soup dumped down my chest.

I couldn’t help but cry.

The soup was boiling, and my skin felt like it was going to peel off at any given second. Niall was by my side within seconds, tending to my burns while some other students got the nurse. Louis stood there in shock the entire time, just watching us. Niall was just about to go off at him but the nurse came and led me to her office.

At the end of the whole thing, my mum came to pick me up and Niall hopped in the backseat with me, saying “School is horrible without you, I don’t know how you did it without me the past week.” I smiled weakly, falling asleep on his shoulder while my mother drove us home.

The next day, my burns were treated and I had bandages all over my chest but I still went to school. I had a perfect attendance record to upkeep. I wasn’t going to let this Louis stop me from learning.

He stayed away from Niall and I the whole day, which I was relieved about. Until it was break, then he came up to me. Niall was in the restroom, leaving me defenseless. For his size, Niall could definitely pack a punch and wasn’t afraid to do so.

Louis opened his mouth, and closed it multiple times while I cowered in fear. I had never felt like this in my life, my mum always told me to stand up for myself and keep Niall safe. I had no trouble with the second one, Niall was the protector of the two of us but when he was distraught, I always did the job right.

I was literally saved by the bell, as I sighed in relief and went to my class. I saw Niall in the distance and waved. Louis was still behind me and I didn't’ realize that he stuck out his foot to trip me. I fell right on my face, not having enough time to brace my fall with my hands.

I probably cried harder than I did the day before, my whole face hurt and I could feel my chest starting to tingle. Niall was by my side in seconds once again, but this time he threw a swift punch to Louis's face. He fell back, stunned and eyes wide. He didn’t have time to respond because there were teachers dragging both of them away, probably to the principal's office and me to the nurses again.

From that day, Louis never did mess with us again. He sported a black eye for about a week, Niall always saying it was worth the phone call to his mother.

“I still can’t believe Louis and you are just as good friend as me and Liam.” Niall mused.

Liam was his science partner in year eight, Harry was in a higher science class than he was so the two became fast friends. I hate to admit it but I was super jealous of Liam, Niall spent all of his time and energy on him that year.

Niall soon began to rain check every occasion that I planned for us to get together and hang out with Liam. I felt utterly left out. Every time I went across the street to his house, his mother would tell me that he was out and wouldn’t be home until late or was hanging out with Liam. I started to think about the reasons why he could not like me anymore.

I was in higher classes than him, I was in Louis’s class for one period and that never ended well. I slowly began to cave in on myself, becoming less talkative and active. There was never more of a time that I felt lost than that year.

A new kid came that year, his name was Zayn. And oddly enough he was the bridge to Louis’s and my friendship. He understood my quietness and understood Louis’s rebel attributes. Zayn was great at being low key. He didn’t need any attention and yet soared with his classes. We quickly became friends when I bumped into him one day.

“You have Zayn to thank for that.”

“Oh do you remember the time that he came to me saying that Louis had officially lost his mind and kissed Liam?”

Around the time that we were 14, we were sitting in my room as we were now just talking and being chill. The previous day, we were all hanging out, the five of us. Niall and I had made up as friends. He had thought that since I was smarter than him and had a class with Louis that he was out of a best friend. He thought that Louis was his replacement, and I could understand that.

Louis was just as rambunctious as Niall was but I had known Niall longer and I trusted him more than Louis at that point.

Anyways, Louis had thought it was a grand idea to kiss Liam, and later we found out that he really liked Liam. But at the time it was so perplexed and unlike what we knew of that we didn’t know what to do. Poor Liam, he avoided everyone for a good week.

Niall and I were in my room when Niall wondered aloud what it felt like to be kissed. Neither one of us had our first kiss and I knew enough that it was a normal thing in this world. My mum and Robin did it all the time and even though it was disgusting, I wondered too what it felt like.

“Maybe we should try it.” I had mumbled but Niall caught the sentence.

“What? You mean the kissing thing?” He looked to be in deep thought. “I mean do you want to try it?”

I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I thought that nothing could go wrong as far as Niall was involved so I shrugged.

“I’m taking that as a yes Harry. Are you sure?”

“Positively positive.”

“Weirdo.” Niall laughs but silences himself as he scoots closer to me, his face inching closer to mine. Neither one of us knew what we were doing, so when his lips were suddenly on mine, I didn’t know what to think.

His lips were soft, a little chapped but small. He was only applying a little pressure to my lips but I liked it. A lot. And all too quickly its over and Niall is a blushing, blubbering mess. He tries to leave but I hold onto his wrist to stop him from leaving.

We don’t talk about it, and I don’t mind. I just laid there with Niall in my arms and all was peaceful.

“You were so red after the kiss Nialler.” I responded, causing the infamous blush to return on his pale cheeks.

“Oh shut up, you were more red when you came out to us a few years ago.” I stop laughing and punch him in the arm.

“OW!”

“Shut up!”

“Its not like we shunned you or anything." 

“Yeah but that was the most nerve wracking experience I’ve ever had!”

What I said was true, when I was roughly sixteen, I had come to terms with my sexuality. I liked boys, more importantly blondes with blue eyes. I had a major crush on Niall and had it since we were fourteen. I couldn’t help it with all of the cuddle sessions we had and the numerous movies that felt like dates. I was so gone for Niall that I spurted it out while we were working on a project.

Niall had been asking me about this girl, Alyssa I think her name was, and how flirty she was being lately. I was nodding my head and trying to get out of this conversation as fast as I possibly could, it was becoming uncomfortable talking about it.

“Why don’t you ask her out? Isn’t there a dance coming soon? You could totally take her then!” Niall exclaimed, clapping excitedly.

“What if I don’t want to take her out Niall? What I don’t even like girls then what? What do I do then?!” It came out in a rushed shout, Niall cowering away from the noise but eyes remained as wide as saucers.

“Y-You what?!”

“I mean I don’t like her!”

“No duh sherlock what do you mean you don’t like girls? Are you like Louis?”

After the whole “kissing Liam” incident, Louis came out as gay and Liam might have gave him a chance, if they moved slowly.

“I…. uh, uh.... I don’t.” I stuttered, hiding my face in my hands. Niall made me take my hands from my face to be able to hug me properly.

“I don’t care whether you like girl or boys or not. I’m just a tad upset that you never told me.”

“I didn’t know how to.”

“From now on, you tell me who you like and what you prefer. I only want the best for you Harry.” Niall smiled. Later that day, Niall made me say the same things to my parents, who hugged me warmly and were proud of me for telling them.

As for Zayn, Liam and Louis, they were super happy about it. Louis even going as far as saying, “Yes! Maybe you can find yourself a bloke and you me and Liam can double date!”

Zayn was the only one who and I quote, “Called it.” I laughed at his response, happy that everything worked out in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From my mind to the comput keys to your eyes to read, 'm Jessica xx


	3. T W O // Fool's Gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Fool's Gold by One Direction

For Niall’s 18th birthday, his parents wanted him to go to Ireland and spend time with family. It would have been awesome except that Louis and Zayn were already halfway done planning his surprise party.

 

“Maybe when I’m 21 so we can party properly in America eh?” Niall laughed when he found out, his smile never faltering. Liam had the duty of calling everything off, Louis encouraging his boyfriend the best way that he knew how and Zayn was the unfortunate soul stuck with my complaining.

 

I had honestly wanted to take this party to possibly make a move on Niall. But seeing that he was now an adult and in Ireland for his special day, there was nothing that I could do.

 

Until Niall came into my house one day asking if I wanted to accompany him to Ireland.

 

“I think it's high time that you meet my dad. He’s been asking about you ever since he found out you're the reason why I gave a kid a black eye.” I chuckled, remembering how furious his parents were when they found out that their innocent little Nialler inflicted harm on someone.

 

“It’s not my fault you’re protective.”

 

“It’s my fault that you’re a dork” Niall smirks, even as I hit him upside the head.

 

“So Ireland eh?” I took a seat on my couch while Niall stood, messing around with a loose thread on the headrest.

 

“Yeah, I miss it.”

 

“Rightfully so, when was the last time you went for a visit?”

 

“I believe it was the year that you and Louis became friends. I felt so lonely that I wanted to get away from here as soon as possible.”

 

“Come here you big baby.” I motioned him over for a hug, which he happily fell into. Even throughout the years, Niall always managed to stay smaller than me. But over the course of our friendship, he has filled up. He was no longer the stringy boy that I could pick up in an instant. He had some muscles on him and I greatly appreciated every time he invited me to the gym

 

“Stop staring at me.” He mumbles, burying his head into my shoulder. Its times like this when I honestly wonder if Niall liked me and we could become a cute little couple. But alas, he probably would never have those butterflies erupt in his stomach the way that they do for me.

 

So fast forward to two days, the two of us were on a plane to Ireland. He didn’t even have to ask his parents if I could come, they just assumed that Niall would bring me. Niall was sleeping on the ride, he stayed up all night trying to pack last minute while I snoozed on the bed beside it all.

 

I recall him lightly flopping on the bed ten minutes before the alarm went off, causing him to groan dejectedly. I decided to let him sleep on the car ride to the airport, almost dragging him along through the terminal before taking off an hour or so later.

 

He slept the whole hour and a half it took to fly, his head rested on my shoulder. We get in okay, and leave grateful for our lives. The airport was so packed with people trying to get in and out for whatever occasion they had.

 

“My brother Greg will be picking us up.” Niall mumbled tiredly, his body leaning entirely on mine. I place a small kiss on his head and watch for his brother’s car. Greg comes shortly, pulling up and I could hear the shrill crying of his son, Niall’s nephew, Theo.

 

“THEO!” Niall becomes lively again, rushing to the side of the car and giving his brother a hug. His wife Denise was sitting in the front seat, opening the door so that Niall could hug his nephew.

 

“Hey Harry, nice to see you mate.” Greg claps a hand on my shoulder, Denise smiling at me softly.

 

“Same to you.” The two of us got into the car and continued our journey to the Horan household.

 

Later when we’re all settling into our respective rooms, I was in Niall’s room getting dressed for his party, Niall jumps me from behind and starts a tickle attack.

 

I can’t help but squeal, grabbing my sides in attempt to save myself from his short bony fingers. To no avail, as he successfully takes me down and takes a seat on my back to keep me from going anywhere.

 

“N-Niall s-stop I c-can't breathe.” I managed to rasp out and he laughs.

 

“Nope I’m perfectly fine the way that I am.” In that moment, he starts talking in a posh accent, I feel some of his weight shift and flip us over so that I came up on top.

 

“Are you now?”

 

Niall growls at me, kicking and trying to flip us over again but I thought ahead and pinned his arms above his head with one hand and the other was holding onto his hip tightly.

 

“Shove off Styles, I need to shower.” I thought about it for a moment, Niall continued to wiggle underneath me.

 

“Because I like you,” which wasn’t too far from the truth but Niall didn’t need to know that. “I’m going to let you go. Truce for the rest of the weekend?” I poked his stomach for good measure, inflicting a sharp squeak from him as he nodded.

 

I shifted my weight and allowed him to get up, smirking as he hit the back of my head and leaving soon after.

 

“I swear you are so whipped.” the sound of Louis’s voice snapped him out whatever daze he was in, and took a seat by the open laptop.

 

“I am certainly not whipped. How much of that did you see?”

 

“Enough to know that you’re a liar. How long has this been a thing?”

 

“Since we were 14.”

 

“Bloody hell _four_ years?” His jaw drops, eyes bugging out. I shushed him, glancing at the door. Niall wasn’t known for taking long showers.

 

“T-That’s longer than Liam and I have started dating, why haven’t been aware of this until now?!”

 

“Because oh I don’t know, it doesn’t matter?”

 

“It does matter Harold, you’ve liked him for four years, you aren’t exactly known for holding a relationship. Let alone a crush.”

 

“Well I didn’t want to ruin our friendship and how would I even know if he was straight or not?”

 

“Maybe because you both are the reason why the five of us are so close?” I mumble nonsense as he smirks.

 

“Shut up, you were just as whiny when you made Liam avoid us for what? A week? Two weeks?”

 

“This is nothing compared to that, he said yes! You on the other hand have been pining over Niall for too long. Maybe it’s time for you to hint at it?” If I could, I would have reached through the computer and slapped him. Hinting that I liked Niall would be like trying to teach a cat to speak dog. It wasn’t going to happen.

 

I was too busy trying to glare holes into Louis that I didn’t notice Niall come back into the room. He had just walked out of the shower, hair dripping down his bare chest and a towel tied tightly around his waist.

 

“Do we have anything to eat downstairs?” He smiles at me, which makes me clutch my chest to stop the pain of his beauty.

 

“Yeah,” I squeaked and Louis laughed. “Greg brought some donuts from what I heard.”

 

He took one look at me before bolting out of the room and down to the kitchen.

 

“DON’T YOU DARE HAVE THE LAST DONUT NIALL!” I yelled down the stairs of his little cottage.

 

“YOU BETTER GET DOWN HERE BEFORE I DO!!” I rushed to put on a pair of pants before rushing down to the kitchen where Niall was about to take a bite of the donut.

 

“NO!” I lunge for him, successfully tackling him and getting the donut.

 

“Hey! I had it first!”

 

“Well I have it now!”

 

We wrestled around the floor, the only reason why Niall had stopped was to grip his falling towel. We didn’t notice as Greg came into the kitchen and snatched the last donut from my hands.

 

“Hey!” We both shout, watching as Greg smirks and leaves the kitchen.

 

“Well that was a waste of my time, can you get off of me now.” Niall squirms to show his discomfort when it hits me. I had been straddling Niall and truth be told I didn’t want to get off.

 

“Harry?”

 

“Yeah sorry.” I shuffle off of him, and help him up. We head back up to his room, where Louis had done the right thing and hung up on me. “You’re done with the bathroom right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

By 8 O’clock, Niall’s party is in full swing and with beer everywhere. His parents are nowhere in sight, but I had a feeling that they wouldn’t care if Niall was drinking.

 

He was having the time of his life, saying hi to old time friends and family members that graced Niall with their presence. He had come to me multiple times during the night to introduce me to family or friends, and there was a good mix between glares and soft smiles directed at me.

 

“Hey Harry, you might want to keep an eye on Nialler, he’s a bit too drunk.” Greg came up to me around midnight and I chuckle. Niall was no lightweight but he couldn’t exactly hold his beer like he likes to tell everyone he can. He may be Irish but Louis still holds the record for being drunk longest without doing stupid things.

 

I make my way to the living room and find Niall trying to strip and/or grind on his old friends. They weren’t handling him well, barely able to hold him up and that’s where I came in. I scooped him up in my arms, thanked his friends and left for his room.

 

“No Harreh.” Niall hiccups and whines into my shoulder. “M’party is that way.”

 

“Not anymore it is. You’ve had too much to drink.”

 

“Have” Niall hiccups again. “Not.”

 

We reach his room quickly, forcing me to lean Niall against the door while I wiggle out an elbow to open the door handle.

 

“A right party pooper you are.” Niall’s eyes were bloodshot and his normally pale face was flushed with color.

 

“Wouldn’t want my little Nialler to get hurt on his birthday though.” Then comes the hard part; getting Niall out of his clothes. He is most definitely more passive when he’s drunk I learn, allowing me to strip him of his shirt and jeans easily. I lead him to the bed, where I give him a tank to put on and shed myself of my own clothes.

 

Niall has taken the far side of the bed, basically facing the wall when I climb into bed. He shuffles closer to me until Niall is practically on top of me but I don’t mind.

 

“Night Niall.” he doesn’t respond back as I hear his soft snores. Smiling, I too drift off to sleep.


	4. T H R E E // Fireproof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the song Fireproof by One Direction

I smiled at the memory of Niall’s party, and he claims he doesn’t remember anything but me putting him to bed.

“You big sap.” He loves to tease me, putting me in a headlock even though I am taller and ruffles my hair affectionately. The months go by, and not a lot of things come up. We go from Niall’s birthday to Louis’s and Christmas without much of a hitch; I enjoy the peace. New Years creeps upon us, and I go another year without being about to drink at the party the guys throw.

February comes all too quickly, Niall was just as excited as I was to finally be an adult.

“You can finally taste beer for the first time,” Niall winks and I try keep a straight face before the both of us burst in laughter.

“Oh good times mate, good times.” He leans on me for support as he catches his breath. Once he does, he shuffles a bit before speaking softly.

“Since you know, you’re birthday is coming up, I got you something.” I raise an eyebrow, and he rushes off to his room to get something. My birthday wasn't for a few days, but then again all of the guys were giving their gifts early to say that they got me the best present.

Niall returns, holding his hands behind his back.

“Now if you don’t like it, I can always return it.” He mumbles, taking out two pieces of paper and shoves them towards me. Niall tries to run but I grab onto his wrist and pull him into my lap so I can give him a proper hug.

It was passes to go Paintballing and I had said months earlier that I had always wanted to go for the experience, and maybe to aid to Niall if he ever got hurt. Add that to the list of things that Niall doesn’t need to know.

“Thank you.” Niall just blushes and whines to let him go. I comply, getting a swift hit to his bum before he leaves the room. His little squeal was the highlight of my week.

“So when can we go Paintballing Nialler?” I ask him the next day. He was shoveling cereal into his never ending mouth and proceeds to choke on it. He rests his head on the table before gasping out an answer, “Anytime you want Harry.”

“How about now?”

“Sure,” his voice was still scratchy, but he sounded fine. “Just let me finish eating and we can head out. Don’t you dare make us late though.”

“I would never.”

“Yeah right Haz.”

“Are the other guys coming?” I didn’t notice the way that Niall tenses, nor the way he sighs so heavily I think that he’s trying to catch his breath rather than trying to calm himself.

“Uh I could call them up real quick? I heard that Zayn’s girlfriend is in town.”

“Are we completely sure that he actually has a girlfriend though?”

“Bro just because you were sick when she came to town last time, doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist.”

“I’ve never seen pictures, you have to admit that.”

“Because Zayn likes to keep to himself, you should know this since you befriended him first.”

“I’m just saying that he could have gotten one of his cousins to be his ‘girlfriend’ for all we know.”

“Just get ready before I leave your sorry butt here.”

“You love me!”

“Ehh I could do better.”

“Rude!”

We arrive at the paintball place around an hour later. Louis, Liam and Zayn and his girlfriend were all already there, to the point where Louis and Liam were making out in the back of their truck.

“Yo get a room you two!” Niall bangs on the window, startling the two and jogged up to me.

“You sure you want to do this, Paintball is painful.” He mutters.

“I know that, just as long as my little twig doesn’t get hurt we’re fine.”

Its an ongoing joke that Niall is my little twig, he’s so skinny and so fragile that he earned the nickname years ago.

“M’not a twig,” he murmurs, blushing up a storm.

“Yes you are.”

“So how the heck is everyone doing today on this fine evening?” Louis waltz right up to us, breaking us out of whatever little world I may have put us in. Louis had a habit of doing that ever since he found out about my crush.

“Good, tired.” Zayn yawns to show how tired he is, but wrapping an arm around a blonde haired beauty. “By the way guys, this is Perrie.”

“Hello it's lovely to meet all of you. Zayn tends to talk about you alot.”

“I’m sure that he says great things.”

“Just curious, who is the guitar hobbit, the frog with the titties, the one who never wears socks and the bearded enchilada who thinks hes a DJ?” Perrie says innocently, but all of us just glare at Zayn who shrugs.

“ZAYN!” All of us yell at him. Louis was probably more pissed than the rest of us.

“I WAS DRUNK AND I DIDN’T KNOW SHE REMEMBERED WHAT I SAID!!”

“YOU PROMISED TO NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!” See?

“LET IT GO GUYS! I’M SORRY!”

“Sorry isn’t good enough mate, I am not a frog with the titties.” I mumble to myself, and Niall rubs my back assuringly.

 ****  


“That aside,“ Liam buts in before Louis could properly hurt Zayn or Perrie having to witness how crazy we actually are, “How are we going to split up the teams?”

“Niall and Harry on one team, Louis and Liam on the other and me and my girlfriend can sit this one out yeah?”

Zayn says right from the start, putting an arm around his non fake girlfriend, Perrie.

“Or we could go teams of three and put the couples against each other.” The girl suggested.

“What about me and Niall?”

“I’m sure you two can be separated for the course of the game.” She giggled and dragged Zayn off to get the tickets. Louis coughs and I glare at him.

“Don’t you dare.” I mouth at him, while he raises his hands in mock surrender, smirking like that arse he is.

Our game starts fairly quickly, the teams being Niall, Liam and Zayn on one team and Louis, Perrie and myself on the other. Its a rough game, I had gotten shot right away, letting out a shriek and sinking to the ground to wait out the pain.

Louis was aggressive, apparently him and Liam had a bet going on who stayed in the longest. If Niall and I had the same bet, I would have just lost. And even though I was down, Louis still made it a thing to push me to the ground to protect me.

“Its not like I can do the same for Perrie without Zayn thinking that I’m hitting on his girl; literally. Plus I was that strip tease from Liam when we get home.”

“Ew, I didn’t need to know every detail about you and Liam’s love life.”

“Its way better than yours and Niall’s at the moment.”

“Shut up.”

“It’s not Perrie's fault she thinks that Niall and I are a couple, we’re practically joined at the hip.” I mumble, looking over my shoulder for enemy colors.

“Which is totally normal for two blokes who don’t like each other.”

“Go away Tomlinson and shoot Zayn when you get the chance.”

“I thought Perrie was the one who said that-”

“You know I won’t hit a girl, Zayn on the other hand is fair game.”

“You’re right, I need to get him back for what he said. Who knows what else he’s told Perrie behind our backs. Which reminds me, watch my back Styles or can you focus on anything other than Niall Horan?” I growled and shoved his face into the dirt.

“I hope you lose that strip tease.”

“I hope you grow a pair and ask him out.”

We end up losing that game, but winning the next one. On the tie breaking game, I get Liam, Louis gets Zayn and we were on the hunt for Niall.

“Where is that Irish little twig?” Louis snickers at the nickname but all seriousness aside, he thought he was cute that I gave Niall a nickname other than Ni or Nialler.

“Oh and you Haz is appealing too?” Louis glares at me for a moment before his eyes goes wide and he lets out a squeak of pain. Not only did Niall get him, he got him nearly in where the sun doesn’t shine. Louis goes down and somewhere on my right, I hear Perrie scream bloody murder as she gets hit as well.

“Harry you’re the last one. Surrender now or face the wrath of the Irish twig!” I hear up ahead, and shout back, “Never, you’re going down!”

“So let it be that you will never beat me!”

“Oh I think its going to be quite the opposite.” A sharp whistle sounds in my ear as Niall misses me by a hair. I hear him cursing while I take cover and sneak around. I can hear Louis and Perrie cheering for me on the sidelines while the other two idiots are cheering for Niall.

It was a close game but ultimately, Niall wins as he catches me by surprise and gets the final shot. Louis whines all the way home, Zayn is using this opportunity to show off to Perrie and Niall was pretty much tending to my wounds and pain the whole time. Oh how the tables have turned.

“Nobody knows you like I do Harry,” was all that he said at the end of it all.

I was pretty much bedridden the last few days before my birthday, Niall continuing to tease me that he knew that this was going to happen, and I should have just stuck to baking.

“You know you guys don’t really have to go all out for the party right? I’m perfectly fine with it being just the five of us.” I said early one morning, I had limped out of bed while Niall had fought me about going into the kitchen and now I knew why.

Louis had streamers up everywhere and was ordering around Liam and Zayn to decorate more.

“Excuse me! I have worked very hard to make this the best party you’ve ever been to Styles, there will be no such thing as a small party while I’m running this town.” Louis scoffed, and continued on his dramatic way of doing things in life.

“Bloody hell, what if a smaller party was better?” Niall muttered, making himself a cup of coffee as normal. My eyes widened, and mentally prepared myself as Louis stopped what he was doing at the sound of Niall’s comment and slowly turned around.

“Oh! So you think that you could do better Mr. Horan?”

“Niall,” I whispered to possibly stop this but he ignored me and gave a shrug.

“I just think that Harry’s right about it being a small party. I mean when has he ever been that social in his lifetime?”

“Hey!” I let out a defiant squawk but no one seems to hear me.

“But who is planning this party? Is it you Horan? No I think not.”

“Its not about you all the time Lou. Its about Harry, you know the big goof who’s birthday we’re celebrating? The one who actually put this band of friends together in the first place? Ringing any bells?” To get things straight, Niall and Louis barely have tolerated each other over the years.

Yes, Louis knows that I have a huge crush on Niall but otherwise he doesn’t care for the Irish lad. They’ve almost never got along and when they do its when I have to shout at them for being proper idiots. Like now.

“Oh for god’s sake Niall, its not about you either. Stop playing the victim and just go with the flow.”

“I am going with the flow, I just think its flawed and only suited for one kind of person.”

“What are you calling, self-centered?”

“Call it what you wish Lou, but you’ve got this all wrong.” I noticed that by this time, Liam had given up on trying to lure Louis away and Zayn was just hidden somewhere. Fights like these came rarely but they were big and normally left the two of them without speaking for a couple of days.

“Oh please enlighten me on how throwing my best friend a wondrous party that I know that he will enjoy going about this all wrong?”

“Have you even asked what he wanted? How he wanted to spend the day he was born with? If he really needed a party where everyone was just going to get drunk and not remember a thing about? Is that what a party is really about?”

“If I remember correctly, I believe Harry said you did the exact same thing. Such a hypocrite.”

“Oh look who’s talking Mr. Sex every five minutes with Liam. Its like you can’t keep your grubby little hands off of him for more than two seconds. At least I remember my party you slag.” Niall might have been pissed but he slapped a hand over his mouth as soon as the word slipped out. Louis just drops what he was holding, walks up to Niall and punches him.

“That was for grade school,” He growls and kicks Niall in the balls, whom crumbles at my feet. “That was for using the word. I hate you.” And with that Louis storms out of the house, Liam following slowly behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who stayed up late to work on this... this girl. Sorry if there's mistakes or if it doesn't make sense. I blame lack of sleep rn.


	5. F O U R // No Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roughly inspired by No Control by 1D

Niall whimpers at my feet, so Zayn and I lug him to the nearest couch and lay him there.

 

“Why the heck did you get into another fight with him Niall?” I cradle his head with a pillow and he winces, moaning in pain.

 

“Because he always acts like he owns the place and it annoys me.” He whispers.

 

“But that doesn’t mean you should go off on him like you do.”

                                                               

“And what? Let him boss everyone around? He’s been doing it since before you guys became friends, remember that?” Although he was in pain, Niall was still full of fire.

 

“Lou has changed, everyone can see that but you.”

 

“Don’t you dare take his side Harold.” Niall hissed.

 

“I’m not taking his side or yours. I just wish you guys got along better? Have you guys ever thought how stressful it is for me that I constantly have to deny one of you my attention because you guys can't get over one thing that happened years ago?” Niall refused to meet my eyes, I sighed.

 

“Rest up, you’re already getting a bruise.” I mutter and head up to my room.

 

A couple of hours later when it’s well into the afternoon, I heard a knock on the door. I got up from my spot on my bed to open the door to find both Niall and Louis standing there. Niall’s bruise wasn’t horrible, he didn't have a black eye but there was a purplish spot on his cheek bone.

 

Louis didn’t look like he wanted to kill Niall, he looked guiltier than I have ever seen him before. I stand there, arms crossed waiting for whatever they had to say to be said.

 

“We’re sorry Harry.” Niall said something first, head hung low and fiddling with his fingers. I look over at Louis and he mumbled the same thing.

 

“We really didn’t know we caused you so much trouble with our bickering so we’re sorry.”

 

“And,”

 

“And what?” Louis was an idiot but I could see Niall wasn’t going to apologize to him right now so I let it go.

 

“Nothing, when’s the party starting?”

 

“In a couple of hours, don’t be late mister.” And Louis left after that. Niall just stayed in the hallway.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

“Yeah sure.” He follows me into my room, taking a seat on my bed next to me.

 

“I really am sorry Harry, you know that right?”

 

“Of course I do but you have to learn when to back off.”

 

“I know and I’m trying. Can we just not talk about it and cuddle?” I was about to say that it was his fault for bringing it up again but Niall lunges for me and nearly pushes me of the bed.

 

“Whoa hey my bed my rules.” Niall laughs and nuzzles his face into my shoulder, where he stays until Louis comes knocking on my door again telling to get ready or he’s dragging me out with what I have on. And considering I only have a pair of boxers and an Eagles shirt on, I didn’t want to take my chances.

 

“Get off me twigger.” Niall whines, more of the fact that I keep calling him Twig, Twiggy, Twigger.

 

“Stop calling me that.”

 

“Not as long as you’re in my life.”

 

“I guess I’ll have to run away then.”

 

“You wouldn’t do that, you love me too much.” Niall made a noise, but I just push him off of me and start getting ready. Niall nicks a few pieces of clothing from my closet and gets ready as well.

 

“I’ll take that Eagles shirt thank you very much. Didn’t you give this to me for Christmas one year?” Niall asks, I barely pay attention as I head on out to the party that was in full swing. Niall rushes behind me but I seem to lose him in the crowds.

 

This party was certainly bigger than Niall’s birthday, since his was filled with family and close friends more than anything. Louis must’ve invited the entire school, I could barely walk through the house without running into someone who wished me happy birthday.

 

“You’re finally 18!” Some random people shouted at me while I just smiled my thanks. A couple of girls smiled their wishes, most of them I knew thought that this whole gay thing was a phase.

 

“You just haven’t found the right girl!” Most of the say until I leave them in their place. It wasn’t a phase and I didn’t need the right girl. All I needed was standing right in front of me, downing a Guinness like no tomorrow.

 

Niall’s head perked up the instant that I came close, as if he had a Harry honing in device. Anyways, he offers me a drink which I gladly take. I mean I could without risk of getting in trouble this time around, why not make the most of it.

 

And knowing my luck, I’ll probably get super drunk and become the clingy drunk I know that I am. One sip and I know that Niall gave me a sharp liquor causing me to cough and choke. I see him smirking from the corner of my eye. How dare him.

 

“Ay you must not be a true Brit if you can barely swallow that! At least I can hold my liquor” Niall slurs slightly, no doubt he’s tipsy.

 

“Well not everyone is a leprechaun like yourself.”

 

“M’not a leprechaun Haz.”

 

“That’s not what I’ve heard around.”

“Why have people talking about me again?” Niall whines and slumps against the kitchen counter.

 

“I was just teasing Nialler, they don’t talk about you.”

 

“You don’t know that.” We stand there in silence, Niall was sulking and I could feel myself getting drowsier by the second.

 

“Hey this is your party Harold, why aren’t you enjoying it?!” Louis comes out of nowhere.

 

“I-I” I tried to defend myself and gesture over to Niall nonchalantly but Louis was having none of it. He dragged me away from Niall and introduced me to some of his friends, like Grimmy the radio DJ. He and I talked well into the night, where I became more and drunk as it went on. I caught rough glimpses of Niall partying like no tomorrow.

 

At the point of no return, Niall came up to me completely out of it. He was cursing up a storm and just being an Irishman. But then again, I wasn’t that far behind him on the control of myself.

 

“Nice party Harold.” Grimmy patted my back as some people started to leave. After about a handful of people were left, Niall was still a blubbering mess and laying his head on my lap. I see Liam and Louis sucking each other’s faces off and desperately wish I had something like that. I look down at Niall who was already looking back at me. I don’t understand why he starts pulling on my collar until he’s brought his lips onto my own.

 

I pull away in shock and Niall just whimpers, trying to do it again but not really having the strength.

 

“Niall,”

 

“C’mon Harry.” I may have been drunk but Niall was out of his mind.

 

“You’re no fun,” He rested his head on my lap again and I sucked in a breath while he nuzzled directly into my crotch.

 

“Come here.” I pulled Niall up onto my lap. He giggles as he situates himself.

 

“Why can’t I just,” Niall slurs, placing his lips on mine again, kissing gently.

 

“Merf.” I let out a breath and Niall pulls away with disgust.

 

“I wanna make you feel good Haz.”

 

“Do you now?”

 

“Yeah, been wanting to for a while. You haven’t caught on you big doof.”

 

“Hmm,” Niall attaches himself onto my neck while his hands rest on my chest. Niall ruts against my thigh and makes a low groan as he leaves a love bite on my lower jaw.

 

“Maybe I’ll take you up on that offer.” Was I being selfish? Probably. Was I going to regret it? Most likely. Did I care at the moment? Definitely not. Niall squeals, gets off my lap and pulls me along to my room.

 

Before we enter, he places a long hard kiss on me, quite possibly making me lose all feeling in my knees. I lean on the doorframe for balance and I kiss back with just as much intensity.

 

“More,” He moans. I unlock my door and push him inside. I lock the door behind me while Niall gets himself all sexy on my bed, touching himself lazily.

 

I walk over to the bed and crawled over to him to place another kiss on those perfect little lips of his. Niall smiles into the kiss but it turns into a groan as he bucks into the air. We both knew where this was going but the alcohol coursing through our veins was making us brave. Niall makes these little whimpers that drive me insane as I run my hands underneath that Eagles shirt.

 

“Off.” I tug impatiently on it, and he complies quickly. I flick one of his nipples, watching him squirm and pant lightly as I attach my mouth to one and massage the other. Niall just loses his voice, his deep breaths taking over the silence.

 

He tugs on my own shirt, mumbling something along the lines of, “take it off” and continues enjoying what I’m doing. I strip myself of the shirt, and pants, helping him out of his jeans too. We were only in our boxers while Niall started to hump the air again.

 

“You’re teasing me.” For a moment Niall sounds sober and I internally freak out. Niall was only doing this if he was drunk. He would have never come onto me when he was sober, he may not be the straightest guy I knew but Niall definitely had a thing for the ladies.

 

“Am not.” I start palming him for good measure and Niall drops his head onto the pillows and moans brokenly.

 

“Just get it over with, M’not going to last long.” I take the hint and pull off his boxers, his semi flopping onto his stomach and I can see him shiver from the change of climate.

 

“For god’s Harry just get on with it!” I would never admit this aloud but Niall’s demanding tone turned me on in ways that I have never understood, even throughout the years.

 

“Fine mister fussy pants.”

 

“I hate you Harry, honestly I really do.” Niall does shut up after that, and I focus on my task ahead of me. Many love bites and a pleasurable night later, I am snuggled into Niall.

 

“Happy birthday Haz,” Niall had said before he knocked out. He was already snoring, drooling onto my pillow already. His porcelain skin was littered in love bites, and I felt proud of myself. The alcohol was mostly worn off and I could easily feel a headache coming on.

 

“Good night my love.” I whispered and drifted off to sleep myself. **  
**


	6. F I V E // Stockholm Syndrome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter: Stockholm Syndrome ~ One Direction

**Niall’s POV**

 

I moaned from the sunlight bathing my skin as I lay on my side. I wondered how long I'd been sleeping. I yawned, managed to lazily open both eyes. My mind is fuzzy, the last remnants of a dream being chased away by the realization that I am awake again. It was a nice dream, something about sitting in a big oak tree in meadow full of flowers but the details are fading fast even as I try to recall them.

 

With a mental sigh I allow my brain to focus and cautiously open one eye. The bright spring sunlight cuts the room in half and I see dust-motes dancing in the wall of light. I pull the duvet up over my head to keep it out. It's not going to work, my brain is awake now and already worrying about why my body was so sore.

 

There is a moan of someone or something behind me and I nearly jump out of my skin. I cautiously turn around and suck in a breath. Laying there peacefully was Harry. His long Tarzan hair was sprayed out across the pillow as he snored softly. I smile faintly but groan as a sharp pain shoots up my spine, causing me to whimper pathetically. Harry nearly stirs, just turning himself around and that's when I see it.

 

Long and faintly red scratches ran up and down his back. Wow I couldn’t believe Harry pulled someone on his birthday. I almost touch his back but it hits me with realization why my back must hurt so much.

 

“No,” I mutter, getting out of the bed and hissing from the pain. My entire lower back was inflamed and I could barely move. I got up slowly just as Harry started mumbling random things to himself, but that was not of my concern. I picked up my boxers that lay on the ground near the door, in attempt to cover myself as I crab walked to the nearest bathroom.

 

That is where I saw the full damage. I had love bites scattered across my chest, hips and neck. Some were bright red and others were a faded purple. I touched one of them and although it didn’t hurt, it really only meant one thing.

 

I was drunk and took advantage of Harry. My head was in such pain as I tried to remember how this could have happened. I remember drinking a Guinness and handing one over to Harry. Then my mind became completely blank. I slam my hands on the counter and let out a low growl. Why couldn’t I ever recall memories when I get drunk?

 

I always had to go to Liam or Harry for whatever happened the previous. And there was no question what had happened between Harry and I last night. The question was, did he regret it or not?

 

I walked back into his room where he was still sleeping, cuddling a pillow that I had left in my place. He looked so calm and baby faced, I missed his baby face, honestly. I could still feel his arms wrapped around my waist as I had slept through the night.

 

I had felt completely safe in his arms, as I did in my childhood. I knew that Harry always told everyone that I was the energetic one in our friendship and rightfully so, Harry was the calm one and I was fuel of this fire most of the time. He grumbles in his sleep, and I realize how little time I have until he wakes up and then what? Ignore what obviously happened or confess to Harry that I could’ve possibly enjoyed it?

 

I can’t deny that I thought that Harry was fit or that he was one of the main reasons why I wasn’t on the dating scene. Harry was easily more popular with the guys and ladies when we went to bars but I was just the awkward stick that drank his weight in beer.

 

Maybe it was karma whenever I couldn’t remember what happened. On my birthday, I might’ve lied to everyone that I didn’t remember Harry putting me to bed, but that was only because I was embarrassed that he had done that. I wanted that memory all to myself and just relish in it whenever I felt lonely.

 

Harry was truly a gem and I would be lost without him.

 

“Oh Harry, look what you’ve done to me.” I mutter, picking up my clothes and putting on a new pair of boxers, presumingly belonging to Harry. I head on out to the kitchen for some pain relievers and go against making him breakfast. I wanted to see how he took this, and/or he remembered anything.

 

When I walk back into his room, Harry is sitting up on the bed, clearly dazed.

 

“Morning stranger.” Harry’s head snaps up surprised but his facial expression relaxes when he realizes it’s only me.

 

  
“Hey yourself.” He manages to say before clutching his head with pain. I hand him some Advil and a cup of water which he thanks me for.

 

“Crazy night last night?” I couldn’t help but chuckle nervously. Harry shakes his head, mumbling to himself.

 

“Yeah, damn Louis and his over exaggerate parties.”

 

“Yeah,” I gulp silently. “That.”

 

“You feeling okay Niall?”

 

“Just fine Harry, I’m going to be downstairs.” Okay it looked like Harry didn’t remember either, which made my heart break and sigh in relief all at once. There was no telling how badly I embarrassed myself last night but that was the least of my problems.

 

“Hey Niall?” Harry called after me, stumbling over his―and some of my―clothes as he stood in the doorway.

 

“Yeah?” I don’t know if Harry could see it, but I was visibly shaking.

 

“Did,” Harry licked his lips, eyes resting on my own and I didn’t know how long until I cracked. “Did anything happen last night?”

 

Most people would spit out that we had sex and that nearly sent a shiver down my spine but I just let my neutral facial expression take over as I spit out a cold, “No, nothing at all.”

 

I turned on my heel and all but ran down the stairs. I couldn’t believe it but I should’ve expected it. I mean why would a simple mistake meant anything to anyone. Of course I was the odd man out and was hopelessly pining for my best friend and this was one way that I should have not expected to get anything back from. I was such a bloody idiot!

 

Harry came downstairs some time later, already in his day clothes while I was still in my boxers. As I ran upstairs to go change, Harry grabbed my arm and looked at me intensely.

 

I thought that he was going to say something meaningful, maybe something pertaining to last night but all he said was, “Don’t overwork your knee going up the stairs. We don’t need a repeat of year 12.”

 

I was nearly seething, but smiled for his sake and rushed up the stairs. I guess Harry was concerned for my health. In year 12, I did have the unfortunate accident of dislocating my knee and when I was being rushed to the hospital, Harry was by my side. I smile faintly at the memory of Harry staying with me as the doctors popped my knee back into its place and how he helped me go everywhere since I hated the thought of those crutches.

 

I was a wild spirit that could not be tamed but one look at Harry’s down the hall sent me into tears. I flopped onto my bed and almost choked on the amount of dust that flew up from me not using the bed probably since I moved in with Harry. That’s when I realized that sleeping in Harry’s bed was just another routine thing and there was no way that Harry could have picked up on what happened unless I said something.

 

And I mean really, why should I? Would I get rejected? Yes. Did I want that to happen? Hell to the no. I liked our friendship just the way that it was and revealing that he took my virginity, just the V-card nothing important, that would crush Harry.

 

“For God’s sake Harold.” I muttered into my pillow, just wanting to die and disappear from the world altogether. Anything would be better than going back downstairs and facing Harry. What would I do, just pretend that I’m not internally messed up that Harry doesn’t remember a very special thing while I wallow in my fantasies?

 

Great Horan, just fantastic. First you hint at that you may like your best friend by inviting him to paintball and apparently you weren’t sublet enough because Harry invited the other guys, including Louis. Then you get into a fight that the little turd deserve but as always, Harry takes Louis’s side even though he blatantly disagrees.

 

The final straw was last night, when even as I was drinking through my sadness, Harry just had to be a sweetheart and stick by my side when I was a mess. A picture flashes through my mind, and I could literally feel all that was happening around me and I whimper.

 

I remember pulling Harry’s face towards mine into a sloppy kiss and I cringe. I kissed him? It wouldn’t be the first and most certainly wouldn’t be the last time. Too many evening spent as stupidly single idiots drinking away our sorrows led to some drunken kisses. Harry was then the one who never remembered them, while I had each committed to memory.

 

“Niall!” Harry’s voice so loud and sudden in my ears causes me to nearly jump out of my skin and fall off my bed.

 

“You didn’t die right?” Harry called from the kitchen, I could hear him chuckling fondly.

 

“No! But I was close to after you rudely startled me!”

 

“Don’t be violently masturbating then!”

 

“That was one time!” My voice cracks and I can hear Harry laughing loudly. My chest clenches and I swear, Harry was absolutely going to be the death of me one day.

 

“Come on down then! I don’t want to spend the morning after all alone!”

 

It shouldn’t have, but my heart stopped. Did he really mean what I think he meant? Or am I just imagining things like always? Nonetheless, I take a quick shower and head on down with a fresh tank top and shorts. Harry is passed out by the couch, the TV is playing ominously in the background.

 

I take a seat next to him, momentarily waking him up while he makes grabby hands at me. It hurts my heart to say no to him, just focusing on the reality show playing.

 

“You’ve been acting really weird lately Niall.” Harry’s sleepy voice is heard and I couldn’t be bothered.

 

“I’m just not feeling too hot.”

 

“Shouldn’t Harry cuddles fix that then?”

 

“Not this time bud.” Harry sits up and pats the seat next to him. I should ignore him, I really should but why should I deny Harry some insight… Right I should just ignore him.

 

“Niall have I done something wrong?” That strikes a thought. Hmm I wonder.

 

“Seriously Niall, I haven’t seen you this put off since we ditched you to go to the country fair while you were sleeping in.”

 

“I’m fine Harry. I promise.” I try my best to not hiss, as angry as I was it wasn’t right to take it out on Harry. He couldn’t help that he couldn’t remember the one time that I was vulnerable enough to maybe tell him what I actually thought about him.

 

“Can I still have cuddles? I may be an adult now but I still love your cuddles.” I sighed mentally and sat myself closer to him, letting him rest his head on my shoulder.

 

“You would tell me if something was wrong right Nialler?”

 

“Of course I would.” No I wouldn’t. The only reason why people think I can take care of myself problem wise was that I never let on that I had problems in the first place.

 

“Good. Last night was sick wasn’t it?” Harry was beaming and I didn’t want to ruin his mood so I nod. Harry went rambling about all that had happened last night, missing on key part that meant literally the world to me.

 

“Did you pull anyone last night?” Harry is suddenly staring up at me, all innocent eyes and pouting lips.

 

“I uh,” I gulped. “Well you see, about that I,”

 

“Don’t tell me you didn’t? C’mon Niall, even I know you have your eye on someone. Were they not there last night or did you lose interest?”

 

Harry could obviously see that I wasn’t in the dating/hook up era, then why wasn’t it obvious that I liked the poor kid.

 

“I didn’t really have the courage to do something about it.” Bull to the crap, I practically took advantage of Harry and by the way that I was limping this morning, so did he.

 

“Oh, well you’ll find yourself someone one day.”

 

“I don’t think so. My mind is pretty set on this one person.”

 

“Is she pretty?” Harry’s voice changes, but honestly it might be because he’s slowly falling asleep again.

 

“Yes.” I answer, Harry’s head drooping onto my shoulder once again. “Very much so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From my mind to the computer keys to your eyes to read, I'm Jessica xx


	7. S I X // Spaces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter ~ Spaces by 1D
> 
> Sorry if this was rushed bc it totally was :/ Unedited

Over the next few days, I realize that Niall has been acting differently around me. He hasn't been up for cuddles, seemingly ignoring me and just flat out in a nasty mood.

 

I think the final straw though was when I had invited Louis over for a quick catch up.

 

I had a sneaking suspicion that Niall knew what went down the night of my birthday. He had to know or why else would he be in such a bad mood?

 

“Harry wake up, someone is knocking on the door.” Niall’s voice comes out of nowhere, harsh and stern. I open my eyes lazily and am startled to find him staring down on me already.

 

“Why don’t you just get it?”

 

“It’s Louis. No way in hell am I opening the door for him.”

 

“What happened to being civil?”

 

“Harry, you’re a great guy, truly a great friend but it’s not happening.” I groan as I push up from my comfy bed and go answer the door. I pull on a pair of pants before opening the door and Louis comes in with a smile. I hear Niall scoff in the living room, and later the little patter of his footsteps into our shared room.

 

“Trouble in paradise?” Louis smirks as he toes off his shoes and heads over to the kitchen.

 

“You have no idea. He’s been off since my birthday.”

 

“Ahhh, maybe he was upset about you pulling someone.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Oh you know, you obviously pulled someone on your birthday. After Grimmy left, I couldn’t find you anywhere.” Louis steals some of Niall’s leftovers while I wait on the couch with a game on the ready.

 

“There’s no way. I don’t do one night stands. I woke up normally with Niall sleeping right next to me.”

 

“That’s another thing, how do you expect your crush to go any further if you cuddle with his stupid butt every night and not do anything about it?”

 

“I don’t want to ruin the friendship. We’ve been best friends for ten years Louis. I just can’t throw something like that away. And bro don’t get crumbs on the couch, Niall will freak.”

 

“Niall this. Niall that. Just grow a pair and ask him out.”

 

“Need I remind you that the kid is straight.”

 

“He’s as straight as an as bendy straw Harold. Now let’s get this game started so I can whip your ass.”

 

“You’re going to have to save your whip for something else Tomlinson, I’ve been practicing.”

 

“Well Liam did say he wanted to try something new this week.”

 

“GROSS BRO I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT!” Louis laughs as he starts the game. We play until Louis stands triumphantly, rubbing in my face that I was the loser. Earlier, Niall came into the room to slap Louis upside the head for stealing his food and he kept me company while Louis wiped the floor with me.

 

He was now waiting for the pizza that he ordered to come. So far, Niall has been more civil to Louis then he has to me, which is saying a lot because Niall does still hate his guts.

 

“You’re too forgiving Harry.” He has always told me and I guess I am. But I know Louis’s story and what he’s gone through so no hard feelings.

 

A door slams and Niall comes with pizza in tow.

 

“Yes food, I’m starving.” Louis agrees with my statement but Niall takes the box up to his bedroom at once.

 

“See! I told you he’s off!”

“You’re right about that one, he would at least give you one piece and glare at me. He did none of those actions. Why don’t you just talk to him?”

 

I open and close my mouth embarrassingly until Louis figures out that I haven’t actually spoken to Niall about it except the morning after.

 

“You’re such an idiot I swear Harold.”

 

“There hasn’t been a good time to ask him what’s up; he’s constantly ignoring me.”

 

“Then man up and go talk to him anyways. This isn’t just some school crush Harry, like you’ve said, this is your best friend of ten years. Even I can’t come between you two idiots.”

 

“You’ve come close, don’t be that sure of the relationship.”

 

“Alright are you going up to talk to him or do you want to finish this game?” I laugh and nod my head towards the TV.

 

It’s not until dark when Louis finally leaves, wishing me well and a pinch to my bum, he has left. Niall still hasn’t set foot out of our room, which I realize he’s been in his room, all day. I knock on the door gently and I hear a scoff.

 

“Niall, can you open up?” Shuffling is heard when a disheveled Niall opens the door. It’s stuffy in his room, and I can’t recall the last time I’ve actually seen Niall in here. From day one, we’ve always slept in my room because Niall has a fear of thunderstorms and those are quite frequent where we live.

 

“Louis is gone, you can come out now.” Niall nodded tiredly and I open my arms for a hug. Despite the way that he’s been acting lately, he falls into the hug easily. Because that’s just us, easy.

 

“Do you want to watch a movie or something? I still have popcorn left.”

 

“M’fine. I might head off to bed early.” He mumbles into my neck, arms loosely wrapped around my waist.

 

“Oh, alright. I’ll be cleaning the kitchen and then I’ll come right up.”

 

“No I meant I’m sleeping here tonight.” Niall weakly gestures to the room and now I will admit that I was confused.

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“You never do Harry. I just need some time to myself for once.”

 

“You’ve had all day to do that, what with how you’ve been ignoring me.”

 

“I’m not ignoring you. I’m talking to you now right?”

 

“Even Louis noticed that you were off.”

 

“Louis this, Louis that, do you ever shut up about him?”

 

“We were just talking about different you’ve been acting lately.” Niall stiffens in my arms, and I can hear the sharp intake of breath that he takes.

 

“So, you’ve been talking about me behind my back with that idiot.” It’s not news that Niall sometimes gets teased, even pushed around in the small town. Everyone knew everyone’s business and it was near impossible not to start hearing things.

 

“No of course not Niall, I’m just worried for you.”

 

“Well I’m fine!” Niall pushes me away from him and nearly shuts the door on my face but I stop it with my foot.

 

“What’s up Niall?”

 

“Nothing I’m perfectly fine.” I notice how his arms are trembling and his breathing is getting shaky.

 

“Niall calm down.” I hold out my arm to steady him but he recoils like a snake away.

 

“I am calm!” Niall nearly shouts, his voice cracks unnaturally and I could see the unshed tears in his bloodshot blue eyes.

 

“Then tell what’s wrong? I want my best friend back, I want to be able to cuddle again without worrying that you’re going flip.”

 

“Nothing is wrong and why can’t you just trust me about it. I know when something is wrong with me.”

 

“But I know you better than you know yourself, you’ve said that before.”

 

“Well what the hell do I know then? All I know is that you’ve been a complete idiot the past few days.” It wasn’t much but at least something came out of Niall. He looks like he wants to slap a hand over his mouth but does so anyways to calm himself down.

 

I rush back to our room to grab his inhaler which he weakly takes from me. I wait for him to calm down and gain his voice when he says, “You’ve been an idiot and you haven’t even had a second thought about it.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Oh you’re being serious?” I nod with uncertainty and Niall just laughs. But it’s not his light filled normal laugh, no this one sounded forced and full of hurt.

 

“I haven’t got a clue what you’re going on about Niall.”

 

“Why am I so surprised? I should have easily expected this, I may not even remember but I sure as hell know at least what happened. The difference between me and you is that I acknowledged it.”

 

“Niall you know you have to practically spell it out for me, what are you talking about?”

 

“What happened on your birthday?” Niall’s questions struck me hard, everything went black after Louis introduced me to Grimmy but I couldn’t place the fear that suddenly settled into my heart.

 

“Let me spell it out for your petty mind, you pulled someone.”

 

“What? No I couldn’t have. I don’t do one night stands.”

 

“And what you don’t think I know that already?” Niall no longer looked like he was going to break at a single glance but his trembling shoulders was another thing.

 

“Why does come of your concern other than the fact that this happened? Do you know who it was? Or do I not want to know? Oh god…”

 

“Depends, do you really want to know or are you afraid?”

 

“I mean if it’s someone I know then I can get over the embarrassment quicker. Was it Grimmy?”

 

“Last time I checked, that dude has a girlfriend.”

 

“Then who was it?” Niall looks me in the eye and I can literally feel the fear coming off of him in waves. I wonder why when he spits out the answer.

 

“Me, you pulled me.” Niall breaks the eye contact and rubs his arms nervously. Meanwhile I stand there in shock.

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t make me say it again.” He murmurs, avoiding eye contact. What? This wasn’t real, I mean the day that I finally did admit to Niall that I loved him and all, I wanted our first time to be special, not a drunken one night stand. Niall still wasn’t saying a word.

 

“Do,” I take a deep breath. “Do you regret it?” That makes Niall’s head snap up but he looks horrible, and it’s honestly only when I take a closer look at him that I notice how skinny he looks.

 

“I-I”

 

“Because it’s fine with me if you do.”

 

“A little yeah.” Okay I wasn’t expecting that answer, because in my little mind, I wanted Niall to say ‘no I don’t regret it, I love you. Blah blah blah.’ But that wasn’t the case.

 

“Oh.”

 

We stand there in silence, Niall was twiddling his thumbs and just generally looked like he wanted me to leave.

 

“So you’re sleeping here tonight?” Niall nods.

 

“Let’s not make this awkward okay? I don’t like it when we’re awkward Niall.” He doesn’t say a word.

 

I place a hand on his shoulder, causing him to flinch and look up at me.

 

“Okay?”

 

“Yeah okay.”

 

“I’m heading to bed, call if you need anything alright?”

 

“Okay,” Niall’s voice was slowly becoming quieter and quieter as I kept talking.

 

“Alright. Night Niall.” I leave the room with uncertainty. I can’t believe this, I literally had my entire world shatter at my fingertips. And unlike what I said to Niall, I don’t regret a single thing. I regret the fact that I couldn’t remember the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From my mind to the computer keys to your eyes to read, I'm Jessica xx


	8. S E V E N // Ready to Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the chapter ~ Ready to Run by 1D

It was around the early hours of the morning when Harry woke up from a horrible nightmare. He shot straight up in bed, covered with sweat as he breathed heavily. Harry struggled to get his eyes open only to find himself in a dark room where he couldn’t see a thing. Harry looked as if he was trying to get a sense of reality and fantasy, looking around his room to try and get a sense where he was.

 

Images of a blond, no doubt Niall, leaving and not saying a word. He rubbed at his eyes, groaning and lowered his body back onto the mattress. You could almost hear his heart pounding, hard against his chest, probably skipping a beat when he woke in such a start. The moon’s light streamed through the window, giving the room an ominous feel to it.

 

Harry placed his hands on his head, the room spinning and the sheets were clinging uncomfortably to his back. How would someone even be able to sleep after this? Harry’s mind was a complete mess, thoughts were all jumbled up, but still having a feeling that the nightmare might actually be reality.

 

Harry’s head snaps suddenly to the side upon hearing ruffling, which spooked him enough to almost tumble out of bed. A little patter of footsteps and the trash bin crashing made him realize it was only the late night critters making a mess outside. It soothed his rigid body just enough to breathe out a long heavy breath. He lay there for however long later until he felt his eyelids drooping, completely unaware that he was sleeping in an empty house.

 

A black shadow walked past his doorframe, if he has stayed awake a moment longer, he could have stopped what was happening. A hand reached up and pulled down a hoodie, revealing a streak of light, blonde hair flashing in the moonlight. Niall ruffles his hair, looking into Harry’s room and confirming that his friend was asleep.

 

His heart clenched at the memory of their talk, Niall knew it was coming when Harry said that he didn’t remember a thing but it didn’t stop his heart from shattering. Niall is forced to look away from the room where all of his dreams fell down into a pit of despair and put on his shoes. He hoisted his travel bag over his shoulder and opened the front door.

 

He completely forgot about the house alarm and it sounded momentarily while Niall rushed through the halls to turn it off. He glanced in Harry’s room to make sure he was asleep, he nearly fell over trying to look passed out when he heard Harry having a nightmare. In normal conditions, Harry would snuggle into Niall until he felt safe enough to fall back asleep.

 

And now Niall was leaving. He didn’t know for how long or where to go but he needed to get out. He tried to open the door again, wincing at the slight squeak the door hinges has but slips out just the same. A car flashes his lights at him and he sighs in relief when he can see the stupid little quiff belonging to Liam.

 

Niall gets into the car without a word, and Liam not asking any questions even though his mind was flooded with thoughts. The main one being, why was he helping Niall leave while Harry slept unknowingly in their house?

 

“Niall,”

 

“Don’t say a word Liam.”

 

“How could I not? I feel like you’ve asked me to help you smuggle in drugs.”

 

“You’re not though.”

 

“Fine. I’m smuggling you away from Harry. What did you idiots do now?”

 

Niall remained silent while Liam had the urge to stop the car and tell Niall to tell him or else he was going to miss his train. But he didn’t. He should have done something but honestly when it came to Niall and Harry, you learned to stay out of the way.

 

Liam’s phone began to ring as Niall winced, but he still answered it when it only showed  Lou bear  on the screen.

 

“Liam where are you babe?” Lou’s sleep filled voice flowed through the speakerphone.

 

“Just driving Niall to the train station,” Liam admitted a second after Niall whisper yelled not to say a word.

 

“Alright lovely babe. I’ll talk to you when you get home.” And just like that Niall thinks he’s in the home stretch but once again, Louis whips his ass.

 

“Wait did you say you were taking Niall to the train station?”

 

“Uh uh uh uh,”

 

“You did. Is Niall in the car with you? Why are you taking him to the train station?”

 

“Butt out of it Louis.”

 

“I will certainly not. Not if my boyfriend is involved.”

 

Niall groans and hits his head on the dashboard while Liam tries to get around the fact that he is obviously taking me somewhere.

 

“I didn’t know that the leprechauns wanted their prince back.”

 

“Louis,” Liam said in a warning tone while he laughed.

 

“No it’s just too good.”

 

“Louis!” Liam nearly growls and surprisingly that shuts him up. For a moment.

 

“But no seriously, why are you driving him? Does Harry know?”

 

“There’s a lot of things that Harry doesn’t know.”

 

“Well no duh he’s oblivious to everything.” Liam remains quiet as he bobs and weaves through the traffic of the night.

 

“You have to drop an anvil full of hints to get through to his thick head, I thought we already knew this?”

 

Neither Liam nor Niall say a word, Niall has resulted into looking out the window at the flashing lights of their waking town.

 

“We did but,” Liam starts but Niall cuts him off.

 

“But nothing, he hasn’t changed.”

 

“Someone is cranky.” Louis mutters, making a squeak as he yawns and stretches.

 

“Louis you aren’t helping the situation.”

 

“Then please enlighten me on the situation at hand. Why is Liam, my glorious boyfriend who normally makes breakfast in bed, is hauling his and your butt to the train station?”

 

“Sorry Lou, can’t disclose that information. “ Niall goes to hang up but Liam holds the phone out of reach and with the possibility of getting caught by the cop that they drive by. Unfortunately or not, they don’t get caught but Liam sends a stern look to Niall before explaining to Louis what was going on.

 

“I’m driving Niall to the train station because he’s leaving.”

 

“Well that was a given but my question is why?”

 

“That’s my business and not yours Louis,” Niall said the same time Liam said, “They had a falling out.”

 

“What kind of falling out are we talking about here?”

 

“The kind that neither of us can be in the same room without suffocating with tension.”

 

“What did you two idiots do? You seemed perfectly fine on the night of Harry’s party!”

 

“Well that’s just it Louis. You think we’re perfectly fine and next thing you know I get the said idiot drunk and I take advantage of him. Which leads to him not even remembering anything and me with my heart shattered!” Niall all but yelled, sniffing and wiping the tears on the back of his sleeve.

 

The two arrived at the train station and as Niall grabbed his stuff, Liam kept on the phone with Louis.

 

“But Niall that doesn’t mean that you have to leave. You can just talk it out with Harry.”

 

“I already have Louis. I just can’t be here anymore.”

 

“Then so help me I will march right over there and drag that pale ass over to your place where you are going to have a proper talk with Harold. Are you even sure that he doesn’t remember a thing? Normally you’re the one with the blank memory.”

 

“I am but when you have a raging bum and love bites scattered around your body, you kind of have a rough idea of what happened.”

 

Niall started walking towards the ticket station, not even caring where he went, just any place rather than here. Liam pulls on his shoulder and gives him a solemn look.

 

“I have to do this Liam,”

 

“Hello!” Louis was still on the line and Niall wondered why Liam hadn’t hung on him yet.

 

“I have to do this you guys. I don’t even feel welcomed here, let alone stay in the place where everything has fallen apart.”

 

“This isn’t the answer Niall. Do you even know how heartbroken Harry is going to be when he finds out?”

 

“I guess this is the part where I ask you guys not to tell him, at least where I’m going.”

 

“Niall you bet your ass that I’m telling Harry, I admit that you don’t deserve this but he doesn’t deserve this pain.” Louis says and hangs up. Liam looks over at Niall, waiting for him to reveal where he was heading in the time being.

 

“I’m sorry bro but not saying. The last thing I want is Louis telling Harry where I am and him coming over to get me back.”

 

“But isn’t that something you would want? Your prince charming to come sweep you off of your feet?” Both of them take a seat near the train tracks, the ticket master just let Liam accompany Niall since there was barely anyone in the station.

 

“Not if it’s forced.”

 

“Can I just get a brief country name or do I have to rip the ticket out of your hand to find out?”

 

“M’heading to America.”

 

“America?”

 

“Yeah. It’s far away enough that he can’t follow me. Not right away at least and the country huge, and I don’t want to be found.”

 

“How on your tight budget did you ever find the money to pay for this?”

 

“Always wanted to take Haz on a vacation to the Americas, always had an account saved just for it.”

 

Liam doesn’t ask any more questions and it's a good thing because Niall doesn’t know if he could have answered anymore.

 

Meanwhile Louis is booking it over to Harry’s place and mentally cheering when Niall left the front door open. He marched right in there to find Harry reading a note over the kitchen counter, tears running down his face.

 

“He’s gone?” Harry asks in a broken tone which automatically makes Louis take the boy into his arms in a hug.

 

“Not yet, he’s at the train station. C’mon I’ll drive ya there.”

 

“You knew this was going happen?” Harry asked as Louis ushered him outside to his car. It was only when they were well on their way that Louis spoke up.

 

“No, I called Liam to ask him where he was because he wasn’t there when I woke up and it turns out, he was driving Niall to the station. I only found out then that he was leaving.”

 

“So you came by for the reason of?”

 

“He’s not listening to myself or even Liam, and we all know how persuasive Liam is.”

 

“For your benefit maybe but he’s not the best.” Harry yelped as Louis hit the back of his head.

 

“You should be thanking me, you could have a chance to stop him.”

 

“What makes you think I have the ability to stop him?”

 

“Look you guys had a falling out, which is something you never had but Niall is about to do something incredibly stupid and he need his best mate, his grounding to the great big world by his side to show him that this is not the answer.”

 

“I could try...”

 

“That’s the spirit Harry, just a couple more minutes before we’re there.” Harry nodded and began to practice what he must say to Niall. The rest of the drive is spent in silence, Louis was tapping nervously on the steering and Harry was tapping his foot on the floor.

 

They arrive in no time, sneaking past the ticket master and in search of Liam, Niall or both. They came across Liam first, looking tired and wickedly guilty. Harry gives him a curt nod while he tells them where Niall is waiting.

 

“Thanks babe,” Louis hugs his boyfriend while Harry looks away, his heart hurting too much to even think about their usual PDA. “After you Harry.”

 

Harry walks along the train tracks, looking high and low for the blond and doesn’t have any luck until he can see the bright green bag on a bench, the blond head resting on it was a sign if any.

 

He approached Niall wearily, trying not to make any sudden movements or to startle him. Niall looks up, rubbing his eyes and yawning. He looks from side to side as both of them hear a train arriving.

 

He looks strangely calm, that is, until he spotted Harry a mere meter away from him. Their eyes meet, Niall looked to be in shock but there was another emotion clouding his eyes. He turns to get up and run but Harry grabs his wrist.

 

“Not so fast Horan,” Harry speaks for the first time, hating how weak his voice sounded. Niall refused look at him, actually was looking everywhere but at Harry’s face.

 

“We need to talk.” **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From my mind to the computer keys to your eyes to read, I’m Jessica xx


	9. E I G H T // Change Your Ticket

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter - Change Your Ticket by 1D

“We need to talk.” I said as I tightened my grip on Niall’s wrist.

“No we don’t. What’s there to talk about?” Niall rips his arm from my grasp but surprisingly stays in place.

“You’re leaving me.”

“Oh grow up Harry, I don’t have to be with you twenty-four seven.” His tone changed, his complete demeanor changed as he shut me out.

“But you just can’t leave for no good reason?”

“I do have a good reason for leaving.”

“Then tell me. I am not your enemy here Niall. I don’t know what you’ve got in your head that makes me so vile but I’m just trying to help you.”

“Then why is it that the moment that I do let you in, all of my problems are brushed aside?” Niall has marched right up to me, chest to chest, face to face. He looked scared if I was being honest, completely out of his element by trying to remain calm. I could read Niall like an open book, and have been since we were younger. It boggled my mind that he was being this guarded.

“Niall you know that’s not true.”

“It really feels like it Harry. I know you think that I’m fine all the time, that I’m happy go lucky and wouldn’t have a care in the world but that’s where you are completely wrong.”

“Niall,” I start but he cuts me off.

“No it’s your turn to listen. I am sick and tired of being labeled the carefree one when it’s obvious that I’m not.”

“It’s not that we label you Niall, you just always seem so happy.”

“To not worry you guys!”

“I don’t know why you're acting like this, just come on home and we’ll pretend that this never happened.” If that’s what Niall wanted then I guess it would have to do too.

“So you really want me to just pretend that nothing ever happened. To go back to the way everything was before your birthday?”

“Well yes, isn’t that what you want?”

Niall sighed heavily, breathing out a laugh all the same.

“This just shows me how little you actually know about me and I am disgusted. Really, this is just plain stupid.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean, Harry.”

“No. I don’t. Can you please just tell me so that I can make it right?” I grabbed his shoulder, causing him to look up at me. “You don’t have to leave.”

“I do if I want to clear my thoughts.”

“Well rant, go on a ramble, anything! I don’t care just as long as you stay here!”

“Have you ever thought that maybe I don’t want to stay?!” he yelled and all went quiet. Niall shook my hand off of his shoulder and looked off into the distance while I thought about what he said. If I was being honest, it scared me out of my mind but for Niall I kept a straight face.

“Wait what?” My face might have been calm but my tone and voice definitely gave away my fear.

“Please don’t make me repeat it.”

“But how? Why? What went wrong?”

“There are just days where I feel unwelcomed here. I have since I was a little boy but I never knew what to call it. The townspeople don’t like me, or my family. Why do you think my mom moved back last year?”

What he said was true, as soon as we graduated and got our own flat, Mrs. Horan said her goodbyes to her son and went back to Ireland. Even when his brother grew older, Greg hightailed it out of there with his wife and son, Niall’s nephew.

Out of everyone, he was the only one who stayed behind.

“I thought you wanted to stay here.”

“I did but it got to be too much you know? Whether it was the townspeople or Louis being an absolute arse to me, I felt like a complete loner some days. I admit to not liking it here as much as I did when I was younger, I was naïve as heck but I wouldn’t change my childhood.” Niall finally looked up at me, still guarded and stone-faced but at least he was looking at me.

“So believe me when I say this but I need to leave. This place is toxic to my mind, body and health. I feel like I’m going insane and I can’t just keep pretending that everything is fine.”

“Alright fine, I respect that but what I don’t understand is that you actually thought that you could leave without saying anything. Is our friendship really not worth it to you that you wanted lie to me and pretend that I wasn’t going to find out from Louis or Liam or a note that you were leaving?”

“I didn’t know how to say it, and of course our friendship means the world to me but I also knew that you would try and stop me. Like you’re doing now. And don’t deny it because I was on the phone with Louis and he told me that he would talk to you about that.”

“Alright maybe I am trying to get you to stay but I also thought being best friends meant that we trusted each other with everything.”

“What are we? Teenage girls?” There was a bit of the normal Niall humor but it was gone in a flash.

“No but whatever happened to our honesty sessions?” After the whole Liam/Louis/Zayn coming into our lives thing, and we were suddenly in a group of five guys who all knew each other, Niall had the tendency of cutting himself off from me.

His mom was worried because he wouldn’t come out of his room most nights and I was worried because I had missed him. So while our moms thought that we were in a fight, they had created honesty sessions, where we would talk about our day and just be in the presence of the other.

After a while, it became a routine thing, even doing it every night when we had moved into our new flat. It was always nice and fun to reminisce about the day and tell stories.

Niall was and always has been the best storyteller in my opinion. And it wasn’t just because I was whipped as Louis would put it. He had a way with words and would talk animatedly with his hands, making the stories come to life before your very eyes.

And now that he mentioned it, he did seem a little down on himself lately. Niall wasn’t as cheery or talkative as he normally was so maybe I was just missing on something. He would be outgoing and lively whenever it was guy’s night out, drinking his weight in beer or whenever we would have movie nights with the boys but lately, whenever he was just alone with me, it seemed like he was being tortured.

Like he could have been anywhere but there with me. It stung a little, I had to admit but I always thought that I was imagining it, like it was only a figment of my imagination and not something of my worst nightmare.

“It didn’t feel like routine anymore, it felt like a chore like it original was. All that was supposed to be was to satisfy our moms and convince them that we were in fact not fighting.”

“Then why did we keep it? Why did it become a thing if you hated it as you as you’re saying you did?”

“To make you happy Harold. There’s a lot of things that I do for you to make you happy and you barely even acknowledge it. I’ve only learned to deal with it since you’re an idiot wrapped in a moron sometimes.”

“Alright we’ve established that I’m an idiot and you feel lonely sometimes but look at us.” I gesture between the two of us. “We’re working this out without yelling at each other.”

Before I could get a response out of Niall, a train whistles and it seems to have broken Niall out of the calm trance that he was in. He glanced between his bag and me, and looked off into the distance of the train.

“Please don’t tell me you’re still thinking of leaving.”

“I’m sorry but you can’t change my mind.”

“Then let me change your ticket then. I’ll move it to next week if I have to but you just can’t leave when we haven’t even solved this mess.”

“Sometimes the best thing to do is put the mess aside and move onto new things.” He hoisted his bag onto his shoulder.

“No take that bag off your shoulder and come back. Okay?”

“Harry, it’s not that simple.”

“It’s completely that simple. Just come back home and come back into bed with me and sleep away your troubles. We don’t have to talk about it anymore, but leaving isn’t the answer Niall. Running away has never been the answer to anything so why would it work now?”

“It’s too late Harry, we’ve spoken about it already, and I just can’t erase my memory from all of the events that have happened the past few days like they do in Men in Black.”

“It doesn’t have to be this way though, it can be our little secret and we can just hide away from everyone if that’s what you want.”

“It’s not what I want Harry, what I want is to leave this place and never look back. Is that too much to ask?!”

“Yes! I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want to say goodbye!”

“You just said that you respected my decision but now you’re going back on your word?”

“No of course not but I just can’t willingly say that I want my best friend to leave me. Yes I might be being a tad bit selfish but I do not care at this point.”

“Oh so my happiness is nothing compared to yours. Good to know.” Niall turned on his heel and started walking towards the train boarding area.

“No!” I rushed after him and stopped him from walking any further.

“No Niall that’s not what I meant,” Niall spun around so fast that I nearly got whiplash and tripped on my feet a little.

“Then what did you ever mean? How am I supposed to figure out your cryptic messages all the time if I can barely understand you myself?”

"Well then how I am supposed to fix this if you won't tell me what's bothering you. And this is unusual Niall, you usually tell me everything and you never have problems."

"Because I put others before myself and I never tell you idiots when I got a problem." Niall's eyes are downcast and you could definitely see the anger in his facial expression and mind.

 

"Well you can always trust me right?"

"I don't know, can I?" My heart drops and shatters into a million pieces. Niall is still as stone faced as ever and it doesn't look like his sunshine smile is going to return anytime soon.

"Yes," I swallow the years that are threatening to leave my system. "You can trust me Niall. You can always trust me and come talk to me whenever. What changed that?"

"Think long and hard Harry and maybe you'll find your answer."

"I don't know the answer and I can't take your cryptic responses."

"I learned from the best."

"Stop taking what I say and twist it against me!"

"Ten years of friendship caused that! I know your way of thinking and how you go about it so honestly it's no surprise how much of an idiot you're being right now."

“For god’s sake Niall!” I know I sounded of desperation but it causes Niall to turn around, frowning at the sight.

“Why can’t you just let this happen, why can’t you let me do this? Why is it so hard for you to accept this?”

“Because I’m afraid you’ll never come back.”

“I’ll come back.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah.” The train sounds once again and there’s an ‘all aboard’ call. Niall takes a step back, and then another.

"I’m sorry Niall.”

“Me too Harry,” I let go of his hand, which I seemed to have grabbed during the last bit of our talk and watch him board the train, willing for the tears to not spill over my face just yet.

“Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From my mind to the computer keys to your eyes to read, I'm Jessica xx


	10. N I N E // Clouds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter ~ Clouds by 1D

**N I N E // Clouds**

As I watched the train leave the station, I looked at the windows to see if I could see Niall but I secretly knew how motion sick he got so it would be pointless for him to grab a window seat. I sighed and started walking back to Liam and Louis. Liam actually looked to be asleep on Louis’s lap and I could already sense the speech I’m going to get from Louis.

He notices me right away and smiles, but stiffens when I’m alone.

“Where’s lover boy?” I couldn’t give an answer to Louis, already the tears were spilling and I was trying my best not to be seen. I only put my face in my hands and I heard Louis getting up and wrapping his arms around me.

“Oh Harry,” I let out a sob as he rubs my back. We stand there, swaying back and forth and I cry myself out. It’s almost near an hour later when Liam has woken up from his nap, and finds us on the bench next to him, my head on Louis’s shoulder. Liam and Louis drive me home, making me promise to call them if I needed anything.

I close the door to the empty flat, and wince about the door squeaking but other than that, the silence of the place was almost enough to drive me mentally insane and in need of an Asylum within the day. I walk over to Niall’s old room and my heart stops in my throat of how bare it is.

His bed was made messily but that was about the only thing that could have been left behind. The closet was completely clear and the drawers and nightstands were ridden of every little Knick knacks he accumulated over the years.

The only thing that remained was a cracked picture of our fourteenth birthday, both of us were smiling stupidly, Niall still having those crooked teeth that I missed dearly. I picked it up from the ground and rubbed my finger against it gently in case there was loose glass.

A tear fell, along with another as the memories flooded back into my mind about our childhood and all the happy years. How could I have been so stupid not to realize that Niall was unhappy?

He was my best friend for god sakes and I couldn’t even sit down once in a while and listen to his problems. I could see what he meant when he felt unwelcomed too, the town was always hostile against newcomers but I had honestly thought his family had gotten over that.

I flop down on the bed and cough on the flying dust, wondering how Niall slept here for however many nights after my birthday.

And that was another thing, was this a whole plan to cover up that he and I did what we did that night? I mean if it was anyone else, I would be disgusted and would be absolutely fine with the one night stand. But it was Niall, whom I had a major crush on.

I punched the pillow in anger. I had almost forgotten about that, maybe he had found out and was so disgusted that he feel the need to flee?

But that didn’t sound like him but then again neither did sad and lonely fit him as well.

I looked up at the ceiling, wondering where he was now. He couldn’t have traveled far right? Probably only over to Ireland to clear his head and would be back by next week? I could only hope and dream that this was the case as I picked up my phone and dialed his number.

I waited for the dial tone to stop and when I heard his voice, I nearly cheered. But it was only his voicemail saying the stupid saying he always did.

“Hey you reached my voicemail, sorry I couldn’t be bothered to pick up. I’m either away from the phone or really could not be bothered to pick it up so no hard feelings. If this is Haz trying to get ahold of me, talk to Zayn and he’ll try to make it better. If not, goodbye.”

That last part was different than what he normally says, it was normally loud and noisy, as he originally recorded it during a movie when the two of them were younger and Niall’s mom was upset that he never picked up his phone.

It was supposed to say, “If you’re not one of my best friends or me ma or somewhat, get off the line and good riddance!” You could always hear his accent best during that voicemail and now it was gone.

What did he mean by calling Zayn? Did he too have a knowing about this? Why was Harry left so out of the loop about his leaving in the first place?

I quickly called up Zayn, getting up from the bed and starting to pace the house until he answered.

“Hello?”

“How did everyone but me know about Niall leaving?”

“Well wasn’t that just a lovely way to start a conversation. At least I said hello you inconsiderate human being.”

“Zayn!”

“I didn’t know until this morning when he called me asking to pick him up. I told him no and to call Liam.”

“Well thanks I guess. Louis had his normal ‘where’s Liam’ freak out this morning when it was all happening and that’s how I found out.”

“He at least left you a note though right?”

“A horribly short vague one at that.”

“Well we’ve all know where that comes from.” It took me second to realize the insult but I couldn’t care less at the moment.

“Why’d you say no?”

“Niall and I aren’t that close and I knew how much this would hurt you. I’d just rather be not a part of making your heart break.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“You’re welcome, now is that the only reason for your call?”

“Why? Are you busy?”

“Not so much no. Just wanted to try out this new batch I got.” Normally I would steer clear of Zayn and his druggy ways but maybe it would help me forget about this day.

“Mind if I join you?”

“Are you seriously that out of your mind that you’re considering this?”

“What else do you want me to do? I’ve been cooped up in his room since I got home.”

“Fair point. I am just not held responsible if Louis finds you passed out somewhere and decides to yell at me.”

“Deal.” Zayn hung up and I straighten out my shirt, grabbing my keys and heading out. It was a short drive over to Zayn’s place, he lived closest to town while Liam and Louis lived farthest.

They were always trying to evade the judgmental words of the townspeople since no one accepted them.

But anyways, I arrive in ten minutes, already knocking on his door when I smell the smoke. I didn’t even have a chance to step back, think about what was about to be done and possibly go back on my word because Zayn opened the door. He smiled lazily at me and handed me a pipe.

“Enjoy Harry!” I placed my lips on it and breathed in, instantly coughing and choking on the horrible smoke but Zayn only patted my back and told me to take small breaths.

I did as he told and started to relax under its influence. All of my problems were slowly melting away and I could barely feel the pain any longer.

It was only when I felt like I was soaring into the clouds that I started rambling about my problems, which I guess was okay.

“So what exactly happened between you two?” Zayn had asked after about two hours of silence. I nearly groaned because I liked the quiet, it let me wallow in my nonexistent thoughts.

“I don’t know man, he was just being all moody and complicated. And I know he said that he hated to complicate things but like he makes it so hard to keep it simple.”

“So he just left? Like that?”

“Exactly that man, it sucks. I already miss him like crazy.”

“You and your lovey ways Harry, of course you would start to miss him already.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’re in love with him, it’s not that sublet as you think that it is.”

“I regret telling Louis.”

“Yeah you better, you know he can’t keep his mouth shut when it comes to Liam.”

“How unfortunately true that is.”

They stay silent once more, and as they finish their rolls, they both begin to drift off into deep, dreamless sleep.

“I think he’s dead.” Was the first thing I heard when I gained consciousness the next morning.

Louis was leaning over me almost comically but the intense brightness and lights in the room sends me groaning and whimpering. I turn over onto my side, rubbing my face and temples slowly, trying to evade the pain both mentally and physically.

“I should’ve known that you would try to do this. Getting high with Zayn isn’t the right way to solve this, let alone anything in life.”

“It seemed like a better idea at the start I’ll admit that much.” I groaned in pain and Louis handed me some Advil and a cup of water. I waved in the air my thanks and gulped down the medicine.

Louis left the room and from what I could tell, I was in his guest room. I don’ really remember going anywhere after Zayn’s place so I assume that Louis or Liam called to check on me and found me at Zayn’s.

I smelled toast, eggs and general breakfast things. My stomach growled and begged like a dog. Liam came up shortly and told me that breakfast was ready if I wanted some. I don’t think I ever ran down stairs as fast as that in my life.

I felt like I could eat a cow, I was that hungry and was briefly reminded of Niall normally was, this would be what he would do in the mornings. I groan and bang my head on the kitchen table, causing both Liam and Louis to jump and I presume look in my direction.

“Is it just now hitting you or did you already have the breakdown at your house?” Liam asks. I shrug, trying not to cry or show that I was upset. I think I failed the moment I came downstairs.

“A little bit of both.”

“Well at least he’s coming back right?”

“Well…”

“Do not tell me that bastard isn’t coming back. He doesn’t deserve you if he keep this up.” Louis spoke up so harshly that I flinched.

“He promised he would be back, I just don’t know when. He won’t even answer his phone, it goes straight to voicemail.”

“Well of course if he’s heading to America and doesn’t have international coverage, he wouldn’t be able to pick up if he tried.” Liam said and practically face palmed. I slowly lifted my head up from the table and Louis closed his wide open jaw.

“That prick went to the states? What the hell is he thinking?!”

“Look I wasn’t even supposed to tell you, let know about it in the first place!” Liam all but yelled, but still looked guilty as hell.

“Niall didn’t want to tell me but I forced him to and he didn’t want Louis knowing,”

“Well duh, I would’ve beat his ass all the way back to Ireland if I had the chance to.”

“And as for you Harry, he didn’t want you to come after him.” I tried protesting but Liam was done with the subject.

“I think Niall suspected that you were going to convince him to stay.”

“He did and actually told me. I respected his decision to leave,” I glared at Louis as he tried to open his mouth to intercept but he shut it and grumbled away. “But I had no idea he was crossing the world to ‘clear’ his thoughts.”

I banged my head back onto the table a few times before Louis just pushed my head down.

“What are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know what to do about his room, which was striped clean of everything and anything of his.” Louis sighed and got up from the table. I watched as he went to a nearby closest and pulled out a purple hoodie, one that looked eerily familiar.

“Niall left this at my house once, and every once in a while we wash it with your laundry and spray it with his cologne. It should still smell like him if it helps.” He tosses the hoodie over to me and I immediately press it to my face.

“Are you sure you hate Niall?”

“No not really but he means so much to you so I might as well get used to him you know.” Louis shrugged but accepted my hug anyways.

“Thanks Lou.”

“Anytime Harry. Anytime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From my mind to the computer keys to your eyes to read, I'm Jessica xx


	11. T E N // Illusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter ~ Illusion by 1D

Over the next month, the thing with Zayn becomes a regular thing. We easily grose into the month of April before Louis or even Liam for that fact tries to do something about it. But unlike Zayn, I never smiled for pleasure, it was simply for the fact that it washed away my worries and pain for a while, just for my mind to have a little break without constantly worrying about Niall.

Speaking of the devil, his mother came by yesterday and he had no idea that her son had backpacked across the world with nothing but his stupidity and belly. I believe it was the first time that I've ever seen Mrs. Horan cry. It broke my heart to see her like this and since we shared the same pain, I was the one comforting her.

"When I get my hands on that boy, oh you know he'll never leave by the time I'm done with him. What in his right mind gave him the grand idea for him to leave? I am his mother, he should have at least said goodbye."

"That's the funny part, he didn't even say bye to me." She stared at me, with her jaw hung low. I knew she wanted an explanation but how could you explain to the mother of your best friend that you were the reason behind them running away. And lets face it, that's exactly what Niall did.

"Oh Harry dear. You're practically family. I don't know why he would do this."

"Well did you know that he was unhappy?"

"Certainly. I'm his mother. A mother's instinct is always correct. I suspect something else was the final straw to his leaving." She continued to stare so I thought now was a time as ever to admit to not only to myself but to a relation of Niall what I felt.

"I-I," I gulped and swore to to myself. I had to do this.

"I love Niall." Her eyes widened slightly but nodded to continue on.

"I love your son and all his little things and quirks and his smile. I love how normally carefree he is and how he can change the situation into a happy one always. I'm in love with your son and I'm the reason why he went off to America."

"AMERICA?" Mrs. Horan stood up abruptly and started to pace.

"I had a feeling of your feelings Harry, you two were always close and I suspected that at least one of you had deeper feelings. But my baby is off in America and you've done nothing about it?!"

"It's not like I knew he was going there, I found out after he left. Bloody Liam knew everything and just never straight out told us."

"Then why didn't you hop on a flight as soon as you found out?"

"With all due respect Mrs. Horan, I'm not the wealthiest guy on the block, let alone having money to go on a searching party to the states. I don't even know how Niall got the money to do this."

"He had an account with us, told us it was for a trip to America one day, for whoever he dated. He never brought any girls home so I lost hope and forgot about the account altogether."

The two of us sat in silence, the only noise was of the clock ticking. Mrs. Horan was wiping her eyes with a tissue. She gets up from her chair, bids me goodbye and I’m left to my own devices.

Normally I would relish in the fact that I was alone but now it just reminded me of the emptiness so I quickly called over Louis, who said yes so fast, I wondered if something had happened between him and Liam.

Nonetheless, he came over quickly and was welcomed nicely.

“Do you want something to drink or eat?”

“I’ll just take some tea thanks. You okay Harry?” I walked over to the cabinets and only opened the door when I turned back to Louis, and shook my head.

“Anything that I should be worried about? Have you sent Zayn running to the store again for another round?”

“No, its been bearable this week. And I just want to talk.”

“Alright then. Two sugars will do Harry.” I nod, and try to forget that that was how Niall liked his tea too. I sighed, made Louis his tea and we made our way to the living room. I asked the question that had been plaguing my mind then.

“Did you believe in love before Liam?” Louis had just taken a seat and nearly spilled his cup. He shuffled a bit on the couch to get comfortable with his tea in his hands. He doesn’t respond right away, going and nursing his tea and looking around the room.

“Honestly, no. I thought that love was only an empty promise waiting to rip my heart apart the moment that I let it. I thought it didn’t exist and that all the lovestruck fools were only faking it. How could have been real if my parents couldn’t even stay together?” Louis was always bitter talking about his parent’s divorce, and who wouldn’t especially since he was suddenly in charge of five younger sisters, Louis was expected to grow up quickly.

“I hated my father, and in turn I began to hate my sisters because they were such a burden to me. I couldn’t hang out with friends or go to the movies on a date with a boy. I couldn’t do anything that wasn’t concerned with my sisters. My mother had to work multiple jobs and my grades suffered because who else would take care of the girls.”

“What made you change your mind then?” His face changed and I could literally see Louis glowing as he thought about it, thought about Liam.

“Liam. Not trying to be cheesy unlike yourself but he really changed my mind of things. He showed me what true love was and what actually it took to keep it. He showed me that I had unbelievable strength to go through what I did. He promised me that falling for him wasn’t going to be a mistake.”

“Oh.”

“And for this reason, I genuinely believe that Niall and I aren’t so different after all.” When I look at him skeptically, he laughs and places his empty mug on the table.

“Hear me out, I moved here when my parent’s had just made everything final and my mom wanted to get out of our hometown. I was bitter as heck and yeah I’m sorry for taking my anger all out on you.” I pout while he pats my shoulder, smiling.

“In all seriousness, when did his parents split?”

“We were roughly ten, so yeah about the same time you moved here.”

“And he did he deal with it?”

Memories flashed before my eyes and I’m suddenly brought back to the time where the two of us were ten, Niall was hanging out his dad and I was intent on bothering Gemma. Not only had she sent me squealing to my room, but also Niall who had tears running down his face.

I had jumped up from my bed and held him close, my heart hurting at the sight of Niall crying. I didn’t know what to do or say other than the fact to let Niall lie down on my bed and cuddle with him. But unlike Niall, he pushed me away and hid his face with his hands.

“Is there something wrong with me?” I could hear come from his mouth moments later, peeking out from his hands.

“No Niall, of course not.”

“Then why are my parents splitting up?!” Niall threw a pillow across the room and I barely caught it before it crashed into picture frames.

“What?”

“Why don’t my parents love each other? Do they hate me? Did I cause this?!” Niall’s sobs break me out of my trance and fight him to let me cuddle him. He cries into my chest, clinging onto my shirt for dear life.

“No its not your fault Niall.”

“But they don’t love each other anymore.” It boggled my mind just much as anyone’s that his parents were splitting up. But as I already knew, it wasn’t his fault or his brother’s.

“Well sometimes it doesn’t work out Niall. Sometimes you fall out of love with the one you thought would be your forever.”

“Then why can’t they stay together forever? Why leave and never come back?” I suspected further hurt than just his parent’s splitting.

“What happened to hanging out with your dad?”

“He couldn’t make it and even when I asked for why, it was just to say that he was leaving me mum.” That sends Niall into another wave of sobs and I know that it wasn’t the perfect way to let Niall know of the situation at hand. He was a tough little kid but also had a sweet heart.

No kid deserved to go through, especially at an age where everything around you is so impressionable. Niall might go on having a horrible relationship with his dad because of this and it was a shame because he adored his father.

I never knew what it was like to have a loving relationship with a dad, my parent’s divorced when I was only three years of age and I don’t remember a thing. Gemma was still bitter about it, never responding to our dad whenever he paid us a visit or called for our birthdays. She absolutely hated him while I was indifferent.

“You’re never going to leave me right?” Niall’s small voice hiccuped and he looked up at me.

“No never. You’re kind of stuck with me.” That made Niall giggle and slowly but surely, the two of us fell asleep, arms wrapped around each other tightly.

I blink once again and Louis is looking at me expectantly.

“Nice flashback?”

“Leave me alone.”

“I don’t blame you, honestly. But I do believe that this makes the two of us alike, because like me, Niall doesn’t believe in true love.” I glare at the floor, but look back at Louis.

“Say, how many girlfriends has he had in the course of his life? Or dates, either one doesn’t matter.” I quickly count on my fingers and hold up two.

“Two dates, same girl. He said she was too clingy and I met her. She was an absolute sweetheart and I was surprised they didn’t start dating right away.” Even as I say this, it puts a bad taste in my mouth at the thought of Niall with someone else.

And in that moment, I prayed to God that he wasn’t running off with someone in America and hooking up while I was stuck here.

“But what does that have anything to do with it.”

“I do believe that is the key reason as to why he left. Since when has he ever been afraid of cuddling with you or giving you drunken kisses. What made this one time so much more different than all of those other times where you two looked like a proper couple and acted like one too?” Louis looked hopeful which made him seem more sinister than normal.

“Maybe it was the fact that we did the thing. And I don’t remember a wink of it and Niall, well I don’t even know if he does remember it. Maybe that’s why he seemed so disgusted with me.”

“You’re lying to yourself. Not once did Niall seem disgusted with you Harry. He looked confused more than anything and you know it.”

“But he still left.”

“That he did.” I sigh deeply and rest on my head on the armrest. Louis looks down on me pitifully and I have the urge to kick his side.

“Stop with the pity.”

“Sorry, can’t help it. You’re pretty much living my worst nightmare.” Louis turns, but I still see his watery eyes.

“Please consider yourself lucky Harry, it may not seem like it now but really, you are blessed. I know that you always wear that stupid heart on your sleeve and oddly enough it doesn’t bother you when someone tries to get under your skin. You’re better than that. I know you are. And I will never pity you Harry, never in my life. Jealous is another thing but you know I mean no harm in that.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I believe that Niall was right in leaving.” It sets in and I do end up kicking Louis’s side. It was a good thing that he set down his tea a while ago because he spazzes out and falls to the ground laughing.

“Why are you laughing and why say that?!”

“Because you know exactly what would have happened if he would have stayed, he could have had a breakdown that would be worst than yours. Niall is crafty, don’t forget that. He knew what was healthy for him and what wasn’t and if staying here was going to drive him to the brink of insanity then I applaud him for making that decision.”

Louis had gotten up sometime during his speech and was towering over me, breathing heavily.

“Just get that through your thick head Harry, it wasn't your fault but he couldn’t have stayed either. Who would you have rather gone insane, you or Niall?”

He walked away from the living room and I pulled a note from out of my pocket. It was the note Niall wrote me before he left and it was one of the last things I had of him.

With the cryptic lines and hard to understand words, it made me think what exactly was going through his head when he was leaving. ****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From my mind to the computer keys to your eyes to read, I'm Jessica xx


	12. E L E V E N // Everything I Didn't Say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter ~ Everything I Didn't Say by 5 Seconds of Summer

I’m not proud of what I do afterwards. After Louis leaves and bids me a goodbye, I quickly pack an overnight bag and leave. I didn’t need a car, plus I didn’t want to make noise since technically Zayn was my neighbor. I just walked off out into the night and kept my wits about me.

About 20 minutes into the walk, I got a call from Liam which I ignored. He later texted me that Louis had left his phone at my place, so if I was still up, to not freak out of the door being suddenly opening. But that’s not what concerned me, Louis would realize that I wasn’t there and probably send a search party.

I had to get away from the proximity of the town if I had any hope of getting away. I started a slow jog, taking side streets and back alleys to remain hidden from the cars passing by. By that time, I had received many calls from Louis, asking where I was and if I was going to do something stupid.

Not necessarily, I had thought about it and to me, myself and I, I believed that this was the next best thing besides going insane. The street signs began to become unfamiliar, and I started to lose exactly where I was, but I knew that I was going the right way. Always to the west, the line ran in my head as I trekked on.

I pass by a clearing where my mother and Robin got married, those happy memories flashed by in my head and I smiled. I remembered how Niall was my date and he faithfully walked me down the aisle before taking a seat since I was the best man.

The wedding reception was beautiful and magical, I was so happy for my mother for finding love again and meeting Robin. He was exactly what she needed and he wasn’t that bad even though it took both Gemma and I a long time to get used to him being around the house.

I remember Niall telling me that he was jealous that my family was complete again, even though we both knew my mother deserved it. And that was why I was headed the way that I was.

I needed unbiased advice and believe it or not, my biological father was the place to go. My mother always told me that he lived out of town, in a shack down a dirt road. I knew it was true, he had lost his job multiple times and always came crawling back to my mother, but she never gave into his pleads.

If my kind sweet mother wouldn’t associate herself with him, even I as a little boy knew he had done some bad things to our family. But he was my father and there was underlying love for the man who helped bring me into the world.

Gemma calls me an idiot for keeping in touch with him. And in some way I guess that I am. For having false hope for something that was never going to happen. But that’s just me, always having hope for the unknown.

I stop by a park bench, cringing as I realize it’s the same bench where I sat down next to Niall all those years ago. The memories, good and bad flood back and I choke back a sob. I pull out a notebook, one that Niall gave me as a birthday present some years ago and begin writing.

_Dear Niall,_

_I can't believe it has come to this, I couldn't contact you whatsoever and Zayn isn't telling me what you meant any time soon but I miss you. A lot. And it's not just the friend missing type of thing, I feel there is a piece of me that's missing. There is a hole that's in my heart where you should be but you're not there. You're not here. And I hate myself for that. I hope you're doing well, and if you find something you like over at America, just give me a fair warning alright? It's bad enough that the boy I'm in love with is halfway across the world but the last thing I want to hear is that you've got a girl while I'm here alone. So if that does happen, I would much rather hear it from you._

_Louis doesn't hate you, though I would say it now rather than later. I don't believe he does anyways. He gave me a sweater of yours when you left, claimed to have found it after you left it at their house once._

_I still don't like Liam, even though he apologized for days, weeks and months for betraying my trust to help you. I respected your decision until I found out where you were headed. I thought that going to America was our dream. Something we both wanted to do, you know? Travel the rest of Europe and then off to the states. That really hurt me, to know that you just went off like that. With no consideration of how much I wanted to follow you but Liam said that it wasn't such a great idea._

_I realize that maybe giving this to your mother would be too much, she very well could be reading this now and I would never know. Hello Mama Horan if you are reading. And if not, tell her I say hi sometime. She misses you, I think everyone does. More than you think Niall. The town is dead without you, no one even laughs anymore. I don't believe they ever hated you, you brought a source of light to the place and it's missed greatly._

_I love you. A lot. I don't think I could have said it before or after my birthday but I might as well say it now. I don't regret the night Niall, even when my memory is absolute crap, I don't regret a single thing that happened that night. I love you._

_I only wish that you were here so that I could tell you in person rather than pen and paper. But I can't because I'm bloody oblivious and I lost someone that was near and dear to me._

_I love you. Three times means it's forever, remember how our mothers used to say that? I do believe that our love, regardless of whether you feel the same way or not, is eternal. I have never met someone like you and I don't want to, you're way too special to me and I hate that you're gone. It tears me up inside to know that you're off somewhere, without me._

_Be honest, do you regret that night? Is that why you left? Are you disgusted by me? I have so much questions and I know that you probably won't answer many of them._

_I still love you. Honesty I have since I was 14 and we had that stupid but amazing kiss. You were so blush and cute. I loved it and I'm glad that you were my first kiss. I was terrified and excited all at the same time, and I remember you telling me that you were too, one time when you were drunk._

_According to Zayn, we’ve kissed multiple times? I don’t mind, honestly but why can’t I remember any of them? He said that most of them were when we were drunk but you’ve always said you blackout when you drink, since when has that been happening to me too? I’m sorry that I can't remember them, but I do love kissing you. A lot. And I’m not sorry for repeating that._

_I miss you dearly, I wish you were here because your mom came for a visit. She knew that you were gone but it was still hard for everyone when your birthday came around. I even believe that some of Louis's sisters were asking for you, you know how they are and how much they adore you._

_That might have part of the reason you and Louis didn’t get along._

_I wish the paintball date was actually a date, I wish the guys never came with us. I wish that I had had the courage that I have now to say these things to your face, to fly out to wherever you are and just kiss you. To tell you that I’m here for the long run and it's going to take so much to make me leave. I don’t want this, I want to have you right beside me and to have you sleeping next to me when I wake up._

_I took all of these things for granted, I never knew what was once so routine, so natural would soon leave me with just a ratty old purple hoodie and me alone with my thoughts._

_I think you should know this, or for me to tell you the truth, I’ve gone insane. Multiple times since the day you left. I’ve gotten high with Zayn too many times to count to drown out the pain to know that I drove you away. I’ve contemplated my life so much in the last week, I mean was life even worth the pain if you were always meant to leave, to find bigger and better things and leave me behind?_

_Why did you go to America of all places? Why not back to Ireland, other than the fact that I would have come over to get you. I would think that Australia, as far and isolated as it is, would be better since most of your cousins are there. I mean they’re both equally far, but I honestly wish you weren’t in the states right now. I would have wanted to go with you, remember that dream? To travel the world? To find our own little hideout in a faraway place and that be our safe place?_

_I mean you have your safe place and I have mine. I realize that, and you know I’ve never taken anyone there but you. You were the one who always found me there, when times were rough when I felt like the whole world’s weight was on my shoulders, you always came to the rescue and found me there._

_I might visit, I haven’t gone in nearly two years. It hasn’t been this bad since we were little. Will you be in my dreams tonight? Wherever you are, out in a foreign land, will I see you once again in my dreams? In Neverland, where I wish I was to have never grown old, I never wanted to grow up and I know that you didn’t either._

_Can we just pretend that we never grew up? That we don’t live in the life that we do now but live like we’re children once again?_

_Sometimes I just wish that I could erase our past, the messed up parts at least and just have the ability to write our future the way that we pleased. But as I end this, I must say this._

_Should I smile because we were friends or should I cry because I know that’s all we’ll ever be? Well I guess this is everything I didn’t say._

_Your idiot,_

_Harry xx_

As I wrote the final words of the letter, I shakily put my hand down and looked around the bus stop. It was eerily quiet and I could hear an owl off in the distance. Under normal circumstances, I would have freaked out of my mind. I heard footsteps coming my way and wasn’t surprised at all to see Zayn. He sighed in relief and came to sit down next to me.

“Do you know how long we’ve been looking for you?” He hits the back of my head and eyes the letter in my hands. “What’s that?”

“A letter for Niall.” I hand it over to him and he looks at me with confusion.

“Then why are you giving it to me?”

“Because I don’t know, he says that you know something about this whole mess and you might have better luck contacting him.”

“And what about you?”

“I’m going out of town for a bit, maybe a couple hours. A day at most.”

“How do I know you’re coming back?”

“Because just about everything I need is right here. Plus I don’t have the money to go over to America, never have never will. I just,” I took in a breath and Zayn patted my back.

“Unlike Niall, I got a reason for this break.”

“Where you headed?”

“Just around, I want to visit some places.” He nodded in understanding, knowing exactly what I was talking about.

“So should I tell the lovers that you’re alive?”

“Yeah, I’ll probably be back by dinner.”

“You take care of yourself Harry, you’ve given us a few scares in the past.” Zayn looked genuinely worried and I felt bad for all the stress I’ve put them through.

“I know, I’ll be good.”

“So this is goodbye for now?”

“No, it’s never goodbye until it's the end. It’s not the end yet, I know that much.” Zayn smiles, widely for the first time I’ve seen him in month’s smiles and gives me a hug. He stands, salutes and goes back the way that he came.

I stand as well, making my way down west and onto the path to not necessarily hell, but to somewhere close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From my mind to the computer keys to your eyes to read, I'm Jessica


	13. T W E L V E // Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter ~ Where Do Broken Hearts Go by 1D

I arrive by midnight at the lonely shack on the scarier than normal dirt road. I had hitched a ride on one of the late night buses to get here, I nearly had a heart attack from all of the walking that I had been doing.

 

I walk up to the shack, digging around my pockets for the blasted silver key and let myself in. The amount of dust that flies up is monstrous and I nearly choke by sucking in too quickly. I fan the area with the map that I used to get here.

 

I quickly put the bouquet of flowers that I might have bought on my way over here, setting next to one of the windows and the moonlight shining through the windows made everything have an evil tint to it.

 

Was I finally going insane, there was a great possibility?

 

Walking around the shack, which was just as big as our bathroom back home, I start to tidy the place up. From fixing old picture frames to ridding old pillows from their dusty jail, I do this until the air is breathable once more.

 

I take a seat on the grand chair and look around, breathing in the musty dirt smell and let out a loud sigh. I hear the wind chimes outside, their once beautiful chimes were now monotone and dull from weathering away in the rain.

 

Just as I'm about to stand, I hear a noise and this is when I fear for my sanity. There was crashing and yowling, that much I knew. I heard a small mew and pattering of footsteps. I don't dare startle the small bony cat that comes through the window a minute later. She was beaten up and looking starved.

 

"Oh you poor thing." I cooed and picked her up. She mewed softly, nuzzling into my warm shirt and purrs.

 

"Your name shall be Lily and you shall be my Lily. You shall be mine." Lily the cat only purrs some more, falling asleep in my arms. My stomach growls and I know I didn't bring any food with me other than some granola bars. I lay Lily down on the chair, cover her with my jacket and head outside.

 

From there, I jog to the nearest convenience store and buy some dinner for the rest of the night and tomorrow. It was only a ten minute trip but by the time I open the door to the shack, Lily is mewing frighteningly and comes to the door to rub against my legs.

 

"Soon baby soon." I say when she meows pitifully for food. I get to cooking and finally talk to my father as I feel him come near.

 

"Hey long time no see. I brought you your favorite dinner. How have you been?"

 

Silence.

 

"Awe well that sucks. Mom got married, but I think I already told you that. You would love Robin honestly. Gemma says hey. Of course she doesn't hate you, I don't know what you're talking about."

 

More silence followed.

 

'Do you remember Niall? Yeah the pale Irish one. He left a couple of months ago. I miss him like crazy and I messed up big time dad. I don't want to seem hopeless but maybe he won't come back. "

 

"Louis has been better, yeah. He's not as much as arse, excuse my language."

 

"Zayn has been quiet as always, he's got a girlfriend believe it or not." I laugh bitterly. Oh who was I kidding?

 

"I really do miss you dad. I wish that the semi-truck had taken a look before it made that turn. Everyone misses you and I feel like everyone is against me. I mean how did you not lose your mind when you and mom split? You were always stronger than what she said, please know that." I take dinner over to Lily while I head on outside, bringing the flowers with me.

 

I walk behind the shack to find the small tombstone that my father asked for. A tear slipped down my cheek as I remember that day where mom got the call that he was in the car accident.

 

"Critical condition they said. Barely recognizable more like it." I mutter bitterly to myself, kicking a stone away from the stone.

 

My father was a great man, sure he made one mistake that cost him and my mom's marriage but he still took care of us.

 

I remember when he took Niall and I out to our first footie match. Niall was cheering for Derby Country while we were rooting for Manchester. Niall had looked at me like I was insane but turned into a right sore loser when his team lost.

 

Niall did always admire my dad, what with him not having his own with him all the time. He would often tell me this.

 

"Can I borrow your dad, since you know you got him and Robin?" At the time, I hated Robin and how he thought that he could steal my dad's place and waltz into our lives.

 

"No, my dad is still my dad. But we can share." Niall had a stupid grin on for the rest of the day.

 

The day that we found out about dad's accident, it was around the time that Niall and I weren't talking to each other, so I couldn't confine in him whatsoever. I was one of the first to go see my dad, even though he was practically brain dead.

 

"Dad?" I had said when I got to his bedside, only the beeping of his heart sounded in the room. Gemma refused to see him, thought he was too gruesome to look at. My mom couldn't go in either, couldn't take the pain.

 

Oddly enough, Robin accompanied me into the room. I walked out of there lightheaded and sad beyond my years. Later that night, my mom got a call to say that my dad had passed.

 

I remember screaming and yelling, saying that it wasn't true and that he would be there tomorrow to come pick me up for a boy's day out. But no, I was wrong.

 

I take a deep breath, willing to not cry as these memories flash through my mind. I lay the flowers one by one on the ground, sitting there and reevaluating my life away.

 

Taking out a notepad, I begin to write Dad a letter, like I always did whenever I visited his resting place. Folding it over on itself once I finished, I dug in the grave a little to find the box where I store all of the letters.

 

"One day Dad, we'll be united. Niall and I? That I'm not so sure of anymore."

 

Thinking of him, I glance at the notepad and open up to a new page. Clicking the pen, one that Louis got me for a birthday one year, I think about what I would want to write. Surely I could have forgotten to say something in the first letter, or maybe I can say what's going through my mind.

 

The wind picked up and blew a couple of loose leaf papers out of the notebook, revealing a poem that I had been working on in my spare time.

 

_Counted all my mistakes and there's only one_

_Standing out from the list of the things I've done_

_All the rest of my crimes don't come close_

_To the look on your face when I let you go_

 

That was as far as I had gotten, only starting this when Niall had left. Quite honestly, I hadn't thought to pick this thing up until now because somewhere hidden within the pages, Niall had written a message that he refused to let me see. And trust me, I tried looking for it but apparently he wrote it in invisible ink.

 

_Yeah, it took me some time but I figured out_

_How to fix up a heart that I let down_

 

I wrote, liking the way that it sounded. I kept going, writing out my feelings once more but I felt that this was more personal than the last letter, I was actually letting out my frustrations that have been pent up since Niall left.

 

"God dammit Niall. Why couldn't you have stayed?"

 

_Tell me now, tell me now, and tell me where you go when you feel afraid?_

 

"Because I know that you used to go to me. But what have you done for all of these months, just tell me. Somehow. Someway, tell me will you ever love me again?"

 

I stood up, leaving the notepad in the dirt, having the overwhelming urge to kick the rotten thing and toss it out so I never have to look at it again.

 

"Are you with someone else Niall? Is that why you've been away for so long? Are you giving someone else your love while I'm stuck here? Just give me a sign that you still have me, because I'm not so sure anymore." I pace the yard, hearing Lily mew from inside but that didn't stop me.

 

"Tell me where you're hiding out. I've been searching every lonely place, every little corner just calling out your name. Do I even mean anything to you anymore? I'm trying to find you but I just don't know." I sigh, grabbing at my hair and let out a scream loud and angry.

 

It feels so good that I do it again, and again. I do it until my throat closes up from the pain and my head is completely lightheaded. I do it until I can no longer feel my heart breaking.

 

I do it until I believe that Niall hasn't really gone and that he was waiting for me back home.

 

That is the only reason that I return back to my flat at nearly three am. Louis and Zayn were passed out on my couch, Liam was the only one awake to let me in and bless with my presence.

 

I was hoping too hard and too much that Niall would be back but I was pitifully wrong.  I only cuddle my new kitten, she was sleeping peacefully on Niall's pillow and that's all it takes for the tears to flow once more.

 

I cry my heart out, there's no other way of saying it. I missed him, and I messed up so bad that I couldn't get him back.

 

Louis came into my room in the morning, but I only looked up at the ceiling in despair. I wouldn't answer any of his questions about where I had been, but it didn't take much to know where I had been. I smelled of dirt and the dead.

 

He threw the used notepad onto my bed and it nearly hit me in the face.

 

"I don't know what happened out there Harry, but it's going to be okay."

 

"Easy for you to say, you haven't lost your other half." Louis stayed silent, thinking about those words and it was true. He has never experienced true hurt other than his father disappointing him and his family.

 

"Now Harry,"

 

"No don't 'now Harry' me. I am allowed to hurt and mourn for him. I am allowed to wallow in my pain because he was all I had left of happiness. I am sick and tired of my problems getting pushed to the side because I should have known better than to complain about them. Well this one time, I want to have alone time where it's just me, my cat Lily,"

 

It's only then that Louis realizes that there's a cat and he sneezes almost immediately. "And my mind. I don't want any of your pity or Zayn's or Liam's. I just want to be alone, can you just respect that one wish for once?" He opened his mouth to object but eventually nodded slowly.

 

"Just be safe Harry. I don't need to lose another friend alright? Call if you need anything." And with that he left.

 

I lay in bed for however long after, just thinking if I had said something different to Niall in the days before he left. Could I have been able to change things or even change his mind? I feel my eyes drooping and my breathing slowing down.

 

I was finally calm again but never have I ever wished for a comforting body next to me than that night. Niall always gave the best cuddles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From my mind to the computer keys to your eyes to read, I'm Jessica xx


	14. T H I R T E E N // Once In a Lifetime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter ~ Once in a Lifetime by 1D

As the months go by and everything starts to spin again, it becomes very clear that Niall wasn’t coming back. I mean who would leave everyone and everything he knows and loves for nearly nine months? It was already nearing his birthday once more and I had pathetically gone up on my roof many a time to desperately wish that he would come home.

 

Louis no longer bothered me about him even though I had ignored the advice to move out of our flat. Not only did it bring back memories every time I stepped through the threshold but the rent was almost too much to me alone to handle.

 

So when a record shop opens in our town, guess who was the first one to apply for a job? That’s right, this guy. I had only been working for about 3 months when there was an unsettling around the town. I could literally hear the whispers and uneasiness around me, while Louis, Liam and Zayn remained passive and not helpful whenever I asked questions about it.

 

Liam remained guilty as hell for a couple months, but I eventually forgave him. I mean it wasn’t necessarily his fault that Niall asked him to drive him away from everyone, including me. I just wish it didn’t affect me as hard as it did and not going to lie, I could barely trust Liam nowadays. Not that I did so much in the first place.

 

It had nearly been four months since I wrote that sappy letter to Niall, and saved dozens more underneath my bed. And nearly 9 painstaking months since Niall first left this place. The town was lifeless, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the town so dead before in my entire life of living there.

 

It was pitiful and sad.

 

I had been minding my own business one day, stacking CDs on top of another in the shop when Zayn came bursting through the doors, nearly knocking over a little old lady in the process. I saw him scanning the store out of my peripherals and see him zone in on me. This time he knocks over a rack of records but nothing seems to be stopping the normally calm lad as he marches right over to me.

 

He jumps the front counter in one swift movement and grabs me by the shoulders. At this point I’m scared that something serious has happened, and when he speaks, I know that it is.

 

"Niall's been seen in town." All reasonable thought lefts my mind in that moment. I called out to my boss that I would be taking my break and followed Zayn out of the shop. Zayn started telling me that he was seen by his old house, and apparently slipped inside.

 

"So what you're saying is that he's within my reach."

 

"That's exactly what I'm saying Harry. Go talk to him."

 

"If he doesn't rip out my spleen first."

 

"Harry, don't say that."

 

"You don't know went down Zayn."

 

"Of course I don't because you have bloody kept everything away from me. And don’t lie, even when you’ve been stone, you’ve still managed to keep everything to yourself. All I know is that you've loved this guy since you were kids, he left because he was apparently unhappy and you’ve been suffering since."

 

"Well I intend to keep it that way. It wasn't worth it." I started walking away, but Zayn spoke.

 

"When did Niall ever become not worth it?"

 

"Zayn,"

 

"No I'm serious Harry. Was it when you lost your mind months ago or when you have me the letter? Was it on that fateful night when he left you because maybe he couldn't take it? When has Niall ever been so worthless to you than right this moment?" Zayn had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, breathing heavily and I was just simply wishing that I could be anywhere but there in that moment.

 

"He's not worthless, I am." I took in a deep breath, trying to contain the tear about to rush down my face. "I don't deserve him, so what I am to believe that I'm worth it?" With that, I walked back the way that I had come.

 

I'm glad that Niall was back, honestly truly I was. The town seemed emptier than ever with him gone, and now that he was back, I could hear the cheerful chatter slowly but surely making its way into the town's life again. I got a text from my boss that I was allowed the day off; no question there that the town probably knew the relation between Niall and I. Everyone knew that we were HarryandNiall. We weren't ourselves when the other was gone or missing.

 

And I definitely haven't been myself in the time that he's been gone. I couldn't even look at his old house without cringing, so why was I standing in front of the door, hand poised to knock, I don't think I could tell you. I knocked once, waiting and thinking if this was a good idea.

 

I heard the old door squeaking and looked up to find myself getting lost in blue eyes, to which were blinking right back at me. My palms started sweating and I couldn't tear my gaze away from his. I didn't have to, for after about five seconds of starting into my eyes, Niall slammed the door in my face.

 

Well, that settled that.

 

I stupidly decided to walk home after that encounter, getting a rant from Louis that I should talk to Niall, saying that I already tried and was told to try harder. I would, if he didn’t hate my guts, I would.

 

I tried a little harder the next day, spotting him walking around town. He paused at the record shop, I guess not knowing that I worked there. He stiffened as soon as he saw me, turning around to leave.

 

“Niall!” He stopped but didn’t turn around.

 

“Don’t leave.”

 

“I can’t.” His voice sounded raspier, tenser and worn down. I gulp.

 

“Then don’t.”

 

“But I have to.” I didn’t have the chance to stop him, he was gone from my sight.

 

Over the next week, I tried to get Niall’s attention. He avoids me like his life depended on it. He talks to everyone in town, except for me. By the end of the week, I’ve accepted it as it is and dealt with it. It’s not until Zayn brings a gagged Niall to my house that I realize that he was totally serious about me talking to him.

 

“You know that he’ll never want to talk now, you realize that right?” I pointed out when Zayn took off Niall’s gag and the blond had exited the room. Unluckily for him, Zayn brought Liam AKA the muscle of the town with him so there was no way that Niall could leave.

 

“I got this Zayn. I’ll talk to him on my own time.”

 

“Which hasn’t been working or so I hear from Louis.”

 

“You never listen to anything Louis says, why start now?”

 

“It was worth listening to this time around. Harry, you guys need to speak.”

 

“No we don’t. He’s perfectly fine with not speaking to me so who am I to change that?” We heard shuffling and Niall walked back into the room. He avoided eye contact with me but instead stared at Zayn.

 

“I’ll just leave you two alone.” Zayn left the room as I mentally reached out to him, trying to get him to save me from future disaster. I hear the front door slam and the couch springs taking weight, so when I turn around, I see Niall sitting on the couch, staring into space.

 

I didn’t have a clue what to do or say so I just sat myself across the room from him and wallowed in the silence.

 

“Harry?” Niall’s voice drags me out of the trance that I was in. I look over at him, noticing how distraught he seemed.

 

“Hey,”

 

“Hi.”

 

“How have you been?”

 

“Good, and you?” My heart clenched at his answer, but I let it go as I responded with the same thing.

 

“That’s good.” We sat there for a good few minutes before the silence once again begun to drive me insane. The last few months had been hard for me okay.

 

“Why didn’t you come back?” Niall stiffens almost immediately after those words leave my mouth. He didn’t make an attempt to answer so I repeated my question.

 

“Why wouldn’t you come back?” He glanced at me but quickly looked away.

 

“You promised Niall that you would come back.” Niall still refused to answer me. Just when I thought he was never going to say a word and henceforth never get anywhere with this problem, he took a shaky breath and spoke.

 

“Well I’m here now aren’t I?” the humor in his voice was light and forced.

 

“On your own free will Niall.” He looks me in the eye for a moment, and I see absolute fear in his eyes before he speaks again.

 

“I was scared alright! I was absolutely terrified to talk to you about the night where,” he exhales heavily. “Where everything seemed to go wrong.”

 

“What went wrong?”

 

“What went wrong? We had sex! We were drunk, I took advantage of you and you don’t even care?” Niall’s voice cracks and he quickly wipes his eyes, where tears had already sprung and leaked down his cheeks.

 

“So what?” I shrugged my shoulders but inside I was nervous as hell.

 

Niall’s entire body language stiffened, and he stood abruptly.

 

“If that’s how you think about this whole thing then I have no reason to continue speaking to you.” He tried walking out of the room but I had already lost him once, I wasn’t about to let it happen again. I stood and ran to the doorway to block his one and only exit.

 

“Move out of the way Harry. I’m done.”

 

“But I’m not. If you would please just tell me why this means so much to you and I can help with any explanation that you need. Just for once in your life be completely honest with me.” I hold his face in my hands, watching the internal battle within his eyes and the slow nod.

 

“I hate how oblivious you are Harry.” He says and I was about to object to what he was saying when I feel a soft pressure to my lips. I gasp as I hear Niall laugh softly, the beautiful noise filling my ears after what seemed like an eternity. He stops suddenly and walks back to the couch, patting the seat next to him.

 

I stand there in shock, probably looking like a fish out of water for the first time, just repeatedly opening and closing my mouth. Turning over to look at Niall, he doesn’t seem as upset as he did a few moments ago but there was still tension in the air.

 

When I finally did find my voice, I wildly gesture between the two of us and spit out, “What the hell was that?!”

 

Niall flinched and he began to shrink slowly but I crossed the room again, this time to attack Niall in a hug and kiss him once more. He falls back onto the couch and laughs again. I pull away and take in the ruffled blond, nearly brunette hair of Niall. How red and flushed his cheeks were and how plump his lips looked. His blue eyes were bright once more and seemed to be following my every move.

 

“Did you mean that?” He whispers, pecking the side of my mouth.

 

“Mean what?”

 

“What you said in the letter?” The letter? I cocked my head to the side at the mention of a letter, causing Niall to giggle and push me off of him to a sitting position. Once upright, he digs around his pocket to pull out a rumpled piece of paper, a letter.

 

“This letter you doofus. You gave it to Zayn who gave it to my mum. She mailed it out to me.” Everything came back to me, the night of ultimate breakdowns, the shack, the talk that I had with Zayn. Everything was caused by that single letter. Niall handed it to me and I realize how much I had actually written, pretty much saying all the things that I never had the chance to say.

 

“Of course I mean it. I meant everything in this letter.” I motion to the paper in my hands while he nods slowly.

 

“Even about loving me since we were kids?”

 

“I wouldn’t go as far as that but you did always have something special about you Niall.” That gets the infamous Niall blush on his cheeks, red and flaring, just how I liked to see his cheeks.

 

“How long?”

 

“How long what?” He was avoiding my questions again but this time it was done cutely, Niall ducks his head into my shoulder.

 

“How long have you loved me?”

 

“I reckon since last year. You took such great care of me on me birthday that I got the feelings. Zayn told me I was bloody obvious all the time but you were just being the idiot you always are.” I think back to that time, where I remember how affectionate I was with Niall on that trip.

 

“I don’t know, I felt like you had deeper feelings for me during the whole trip and I just kind of fell for ya.” I kiss the top of his head and hear him sigh sweetly.

 

“Cutie.” Niall whines and I feel the urge to cover his face in kisses when a door creaks open and the rest of our friends come piling into the room, like they had been eavesdropping on our conversation.

 

“Oh shoot, did we interrupt something?” Louis was the first one to say something, digging himself from underneath Zayn and Liam and walking over to us.

 

“Let me give an offering to the happy couple.” He says and I’m confused until I see exactly what is in his hands.

 

“Louis!” I groan.

 

“What? We never know if one of you have been tested. Plus we all know it's going to happen sometime in the next few hours.” He shrugs and tosses the condom at us, it landing on Niall’s forehead. Niall just about goes cross eyed looking at it while I glare at Louis.

 

He ushers our friends out of the room and thankfully out of our flat by the slam of the front door. I turn back to Niall who is holding the package by the corner and smirking like the little bitch that he is.

 

“Why don’t we test this out then?”

 

You would not believe how fast I ran to our room, it must have been a new record, I swear. But hearing Niall’s laugh once more was more certainly worth it and more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From my mind to the computer keys to your eyes to read, I'm Jessica xx


	15. F O U R T E E N // Act My Age

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter ~ Act My Age by 1D

I love sleep, I don’t think I’ve mentioned that before but I do. So much that I hate it when someone wakes me up from my slumber that isn’t myself or my mother. So today was no different as I felt the bed shift in weight. I mentally groan as I waited for the water or ice to come falling on top of me, Louis’s idea of waking someone up.

I don’t get that, instead all I feel is someone touching my arm gently, nudging me awake. I lazily open one eye, seeing absolutely nothing but blurry blobs and result to yawning. I hear someone giggling and there was only one person that I knew of that liked to giggle, especially this early in the morning.

I opened my eyes again to see Niall smiling down on me, the sunlight coming from the open window behind him made him look like an angel. He reaches down and gingerly touches my cheek while saying, “Morning sleepyhead.” I feel myself smile and lean into his touch more.

“Morning,” I say with the morning breath that I know that I have. He continues to smile and leans down to kiss the corner of my mouth. It doesn’t mean anything different except for the fact that I thought he was gone.

“Wait that wasn’t a dream?” I murmur. Niall shakes his head as he plops down next to me, still touching my cheek softly.

“No not at all.”

“Good, that means I can do this.” With renewed energy, I flip on my side and straddle Niall’s hips. All he does is smirk and drag me down for a long kiss.

“Get up curly, I got a surprise for you downstairs.’’ Niall pushes me off of him, kissing me once more before leaving the room. I lie on the bed for a few minutes, thinking about what just happened and how heavenly it was last night.

This time around, I wouldn’t be forgetting a thing, committing everything that went down to memory. I smile to myself and get up from the bed, throwing on a pair of pants and a shirt before heading downstairs.

Once I do, I am welcomed by the smell of breakfast cooking and Zayn turns around, smiling at me. Niall is looking sheepish off to the side, I guess he wanted to impress me by showing me he could cook even when we both knew he almost burnt down our houses growing up.

“I tried but if it wasn’t for Zayn, we would have had a repeat of our childhood,” Niall says, seemingly reading my mind once again. I cross the room and kiss him softly anyways, it was the thought that counted.

“So no thanks for the chef, gee guys thanks a lot for your friendship.” Zayn cut into our moment, and as I take a look at him, I know that he means no harm. He leaves us alone, closing the door softly but I was too engrossed with Niall to realize.

“Quiet at last.” He sighs, bouncing out of my grip to get some bacon.

“Oh like last night wasn’t quiet enough for you.”

“On the contrary, I didn’t know you could sound so” Niall leaned close to my ear, blowing on the lobe and causing me to shiver unconsciously, “sexual.” While I’m a blushing mess, Niall takes this chance to kiss along my neck and place his hands on my hips lightly.

“This is what dreams are made of, I wanted this for so long.” He mumbles while I hum in content.

“Well you got me, what do you want to do with me?”

“A lot. Too much. Everything, I want to do everything with you. Only if you’ll let me.” I don’t understand what he’s saying and he’s detached his lips to rummage through some papers on the counter.

“What do you mean?”

“Come with me.” He handed me the papers that were actually plane tickets. I look at him in confusion but he doesn’t say another word, just continues to hold onto me and rest his head on my shoulder.

“Where?”

“Where do you think?” Oh. Niall doesn’t’’t move his head but I can feel him trembling.

“But I thought you already went?”

“I was so distracted that morning that I took the wrong train. Ended up in France and couldn’t go back. Eventually Greg came to pick me up and stayed with them all this time. My mom never knew and boy was she angry when she found me there.”

“So we can still go together?”

“I guess the fates didn’t like the idea of me heading alone either.” My smile grew and so did my heart. It was still a thing, the trip to America. He did care about my feelings.

“Of course I care,” Niall looks up at me through his lashes. “It wouldn’t be the same without you. I realized that.” I held him a little tighter and grabbed a plate of food. I assume Niall is looking at me with some sort of fondness, he has been since yesterday.

“How did I get so lucky?” he mumbles but I pretend that I don’t hear him, just allow my heart to melt and continue eating.

Around noon, Niall and I have managed to pack our suitcases without much fault. We may have messed around but I don’t mess and tell you know?

Niall must’ve told the guys though where we were headed because Louis tried calling us multiple times. The final time was the last straw, Niall put Louis on speaker phone while we finished up and I think we may have scarred Louis for a while.

“What have I created?” Those were his first words as he entered our flat, we needed a ride to the nearest airport and let’s face it, we might crash if it was just the two of us in a car.

“A beautiful thing, but you had no part of creating this.” I snicker while Niall gestures to himself. The blush on my cheeks is little but the way that Louis stutters and coughs is downright hilarious.

“I meant with your relationship. If it wasn’t for me, Harry would have gone insane.”

“Um objection, I did in fact go insane. Hence the letter.”

“What letter?” Niall looked over to him and then back at me. We silently agreed to not speak of it.

“Nothing, it’s not important.”

Louis leaves us alone to say goodbye to the flat, who knows when we would come back.

“Just don’t forget about us alright, Harry might have gone a little insane but there’s three other guys who care for your wellbeing, don’t forget that.” Niall gives Louis a small nod, smiling.

“Are we ready to go?” I ask once we’ve shut off all of the lights and appliances that were unneeded.

“Yeah, this is it.” As we head out of the door, Niall slaps his forehead, saying that he forgot something and runs back inside. I wait with Louis in the car when Liam makes an appearance.

“What is up with us having to drive you two idiots everywhere?” He asks. Louis and I shrug while he stays outside of the car. They begin talking and I’m wondering what was so important that Niall could have left?

I even secretly brought my box of letters that I wrote to Niall over those dark months, I did eventually want to present them to him when there was a good chance to.

I hear a gasp and turn around. I don’t see Liam anymore but Louis is holding a hand over his mouth and from a closer look, he was trying not to cry.

“Whoa what happened? Are you okay?” Louis doesn’t answer me, just opens the door and I hear Liam groan from the impact.

“Yes, Liam James Payne I say yes!” Louis squeals and I catch a glimpse of something shiny in Liam’s hand.

“You proposed?!” I ask, and while I get no answer because now Louis really was crying, I see the absolute happiness etched on their faces and my heart hurts.

“Damn right, can’t let this one go. Not ever.” Liam answered after what seemed like forever.

“But you guys are so young!” It was true, Louis may have only been 20 turning 21 in December but Liam was barely 19.

“The younger the better Harold. We can’t become the new HarryandNiall.”

“Ouch that hurt my heart. Is that all you really think of us?”

“Yes, it reminded me every day that it could happened to us. Why do you think I was so calm with you? You were literally living my worst nightmare.” Liam holds Louis close, his tears ceasing and he resulting into small hiccups.

Niall came out of the house, checking the outside light and stumbling upon the scene.

“What the heck just happened or do I not even want to know? Liam did you break up with Louis? Now I told you, a grand gesture to proclaim your love is essential to him loving you.” I looked at Niall and he shrugged.

“Seriously what happened?”

“The Payne train proposed.”

Niall’s smile grew and he claps his hands happily.

“Yes! You go guys!”

“You knew about this?” Louis asked once he was completely calm.

“Well yeah, Liam has always been there for me, with the exception of Harry. I might as well give him meaningful advice about his loving boyfriend and their future.” Louis looks between Liam and Niall.

“Thank you. I guess I owe you.”

“Nah, its already been repaid. You kept this idiot safe while I was being an idiot meself. No worries Louis, no worries.” Louis got out of the hold of Liam and walked up to Niall.

“New start?”

“I thought it was already starting.” Niall laughs, his eyes were crinkling and the brightness in those eyes were overwhelming.

“Touché Niall, touché.” They two of them of hug and this time I physically clutch my chest.

“Stop being so sappy and let the newly found idiot couple go on their trip!” Zayn appears out of nowhere. He’s dragging his girlfriend Perrie along and she congratulates Louis and Liam and squeals when she notices Niall.

“Oh joy you’ve come back. Why are you leaving again?”

“To enjoy a dream I made with that man over there.” Niall points over to me and crosses the space between us, giving me a short kiss. Literally, he now has to stand on his tip toes to even hug me nowadays.

“Bloody hell, when did you get so tall Harry?” He mumbles in my ear while everyone else is standing around, talking.

“When did you get so fit?” Niall laughs into my chest, shaking so much that I can feel the wetness of his tears on my neck.

“Shut up, you’re not supposed to ask those questions.”

“Ugh gross, they’re even cuter than before.” I faintly hear Zayn say, but it meant no harm.

“So what are we standing around waiting for? Let’s get a move on now shall we?” Louis grabs a small bag out of our car, saying that we could drive ourselves since we were so hopelessly in love.

“Plus I got myself a new ring to show off. C’mon on babe, we got to tell my mother and sisters.” Louis dragged off his boyfriend while Zayn and Perrie disappear to wherever they normally go off to.

“Ready to go?” I ask Niall and he nods, just telling me to wait while he locks up the flat. He does so pretty quickly, shaking with excitement.

Once he was finished, he runs up to the car, slides across the hood of it and gets into the passenger seat.

“How long have you been waiting to do that?” I ask as I too get into the car.

“Far too long.”

“Where to now Mr. Horan.” Niall shrugs, pulling me into a deep kiss.

“Anywhere, just as long as I’m with you, I’m as happy as can be.” Niall mumbles into the kiss and I couldn’t have said any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awe it’s finally finished! 18 is complete and I’m kind of dying of the feels! I am unsure if I want to write a sequel but I definitely want to write of their trip around America, so expect a long one shot about that later in the summer ;)
> 
> From my mind to the computer keys to your eyes to read, I'm Jessica xx


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